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* Week of June 4, 2006 *

Happy Fucking Summer!

Its so god damned hot here, I feel like I'm living inside a cavernous working girl's pussy. And to think no reprieve until October. Oy vey a shmear. So, this week's column... From orgasmic sorrow to marital woes, we've got all the agida and then some. Not for nothing, you're very brave souls. It takes SO MUCH moxie to write about sexual issues and to share it with others. Amazing, I tell you.

Subject: The Only Way I Can Cum Is With A Vibrator

Hi there,

I'm 19 and a huge supporter of sex toys. I've been using a vibrator for a few years and successfully so...I cum every time. Unfortunately I can't seem to get myself off without the vibrator, nor have any guys been able to for that matter. I've been with several men, whom, despite their best efforts (with their fingers, tongues, or penises) haven't been able to get me off. I've used my toy with a few guys and I cum while they finger me...but without it I just can't seem to cum. What can I do, if anything? Should I see a doctor?

Thanks for your time,
19 and eager to learn

Dear 19 And Eager To Learn:

Oh, honey... I see someone's over-stimulated their clitoris. Bad kitty. Not you, your vadge.

There are a few things you can do to begin. First, try cumming without a vibrator. The first is to slow down the speed and take your time. Don't rush for the big O. Let it build and erupt. The second thing is to keep your undies on and slowly massage your clit with the vibrator. The third thing is to buy a really good lubricant and apply it generously to the beave and use your fingers to massage your clit. You can use your vibrator inside your vadgey wadgey while doing this, but don't turn it on.

You need to retrain your body into cumming without vibrations. You must exercise patience when doing all of the aforementioned. It's going to take some time. Every woman is different, so I can't tell you that in 30-days you'll be cumming sans vibe. But, I can tell you that in time it will happen! You have to keep the faith and be positive.

As you start to cum without your vibe, you will have a much better idea of what makes you cum and will be able to communicate that to your partner during sex.

As to seeing a doctor... it's always good to meet with your gyno for an exam to make sure that everything is working, and to let him or her know what's going on.

Good luck! Please keep me posted and be patient, grasshopper!


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Subject: How Can I Masturbate Without Sex Toys?

I'm really curious about how to masturbate without the use of any sex toys because I don't own any. Please give me some advice. I need sexual release :)

Seriously frustrated

Dear Seriously Frustrated:

I'm going to take a giant leap of faith here and assume that you are a woman. Though it's absolutely possible you're a man, most men start gravitating towards their third leg in the womb. That's how innate jerking off to them is.

Here's another long shot question for you: if you don't own any toys, what stops you from buying them? Are we living in purgatory? Oh sorry, I meant burqa-ville.

No. seriously. Why haven't you purchased toys? More importantly, why haven't you explored your nether region dahling? I want you to hit a few of these masturbation stories by some of the fine literotica writers: Pussy in the Mirror, Red Eye, and River Ride . There are several other stories under Toys & Masturbation.

Here's what's great about these stories: these are women who are setting a romantic or sinfully erotic mood and essentially walking you through the details of how they begin to explore their clitoris and their g-spots. The build-ups are exquisite and intense, all the while keeping you abreast of what's getting them so hot and soaking their snatches...

I encourage you to read these stories and other stories on Literotica in masturbation and lesbian because you will learn so much about how to arouse and pleasure yourself, ultimately bringing yourself to some incredible orgasms!

If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to email me back.


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Subject: Faking The Big O

I have a question. I really don't know how to what to do about this and I've never actually admitted it to anyone because I'm so embarrassed about it. I am 25 years old and I cannot have an orgasm during sex. The one and only way I can come is lying on my stomach and rubbing on my hands. I can't do it while lying on my back and I certainly cannot do it in any intercourse position. I'm thinking maybe it has something to do with the fact that laying facedown causes increased blood flow to the clitoris by the sheer force of gravity and that's the way my body is conditioned to have an orgasm.

Of course, this is such an unflattering and unsexy position that I'd never dream of doing it in front of anyone. This means I have been faking orgasms for the past seven or eight years that I've been sexually active. I KNOW it's wrong and counterintuitive, and I KNOW I shouldn't, but believe me I have tried time and time again to come in any other position at all. I've tried by myself, and I've tried with a sex partner in every conceivable manner. It just won't work.

This hasn't concerned me much in the past, but I am now married to a wonderful man and because of this I am lying to him. Because I've been faking with him, I can't STOP faking and admit that I am somehow orgasmically-challenged, because then he'll know I was being untruthful. I kept faking thinking that I would eventually teach myself to come during sex, but I'm beginning to think that'll never happen.

Please tell me - am I the only one who has this problem? Are there other women out there whose bodies just don't want to have an orgasm in a conventional position? I really never minded it before - I mean, sex feels fabulous, and I can always actually get off later when I'm alone - but now the guilt is becoming so intense I'm afraid I'm going to become too neurotic to have a healthy sex life. I don't want to hurt him by admitting my lie, because if I can't come anyway there's nothing to be gained by telling him the truth. What would you do if you were in this position? Is there some how-to-make-yourself-come-like-a-normal-girl sex manual? Should I just let my husband live in ignorant bliss and leave well enough alone and stop worrying? Am I really hopeless? Please help me.


Dear Faker:

Honey, Bubbie, Sugar Plum Pudding... you are as normal as this heat wave! Millions of women can't experience an orgasm during intercourse. And even more women can only reach orgasms by doing very specific things. One woman who wrote me said she could only cum while grinding her clit on her husband's lower spine. Another woman required her boyfriend slam his palm on her clit and with all of his weight into it, rub reallllllly hard. Some women, as the woman who also wrote this week, can only cum with vibrators on very high.

Each woman conditions themselves to cum a certain way. it takes a lot of work to figure out how to cum in different ways. It also takes patience, persistence and exorcising the fear and pressure of not Cumming.

I think it's time for you to experiment with yourself a bit. Start slowly... take a long hot bath and relax. Get into bed, light a candle. Play a song that really turns you on. think of the ways your husband touches you that turns you on. act out a fantasy you have in your head, really visualize yourself doing it. caress your body, play with your nipples, slowly spread your legs. Tease yourself - don't think about Cumming, think about arousing yourself. Think about making your lips glisten and your clit swell with anticipation. See where that takes you. repeat after me: it's not about the orgasm, it's about the journey. That's what you must tell yourself over and over again.

I would also buy a few toys, some spot vibes and dildos. Check out some lubricants that heat up! that might really turn you on!! there are wonderful Karma Sutra reads about positions, and fabulous books on masturbation. You can buy everything at the Literotica toy store!

I want you to experiment and play.

With your husband, one thing you can say to him is, I'd like us to explore new ways to make each other (or) me, cum. Do some research and come prepared to show him or talk him through a few things.

The first thing you have to do is get to know your body and recondition it to reach orgasms in other ways.

With respect to telling him or not, well that's ultimately up to you. Whatever you decide will be the right decision. It's not for me or anyone else to decide that for you.

Please keep me posted.


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Subject: Frustrated Husband Wanting To Keep Things Alive


I am married, and trying hard to keep things alive. I am 32, she is 29, and we've been married five years, no kids or even the thought of kids at this time. Our sex life is very disappointing, practically non-existent.

I have done a lot to try to keep it alive, including all sorts of small things, even waking up early to go to the gym before work, in doing this I dropped twenty pounds and really toned up. Nothing works, nothing gets her going. You can imagine my frustration. I do know there is nobody else, certain of that. I believe I am the only one she loves and will ever love. She is on the pill, which I blame for much of this, but she is unwilling to get off of it. When we do have sex it is about as exciting as a prolonged visit with the in-laws.

To a fly on the wall, she would almost seem as if she was a holdover from the prudish Victorian era. She is uptight and her southern Baptist roots are really evident. I have considered trying to buy a vibe for her, try to give some kind of spark, but that presents a few problems. For one she does not ever resort to self-gratification, she finds it rather appalling. Another thing is she would probably be appalled that I would buy such a thing or go to such a place that would sell those.

The last problem is I have been to those stores and the online stores, and there are so many different options for vibes it makes my head spin. I have no idea where to start. I have read some reviews on the rabbits, which I have found intriguing, and yet I can already see her saying, "you want me to do what with this?" Frankly, I can see that look with the silver bullet.

Honestly I am about ready to wipe my hands clean of any efforts, but feel like I should at least try. I am still one of the good guys, but that is getting more and more difficult. Can you help me? Any advice based on the little info I gave you would be great, but more specifically on your advice addressing the question of vibes. Maybe I should just spend the money on a toy for me, I don't know.

Frustrated Husband

Dear Frustrated Husband:

I am so sorry! it's very painful when the sexual communication disintegrates in a relationship. It is the source of a lot of pain for many couples. You are not alone, dearie. Unfortunate, but comforting, don't you think?

It sounds like you had a more active sex life until your wife went on the pill. She doesn't sound too exploration oriented, but your email does suggest hints of a former better sex life. if that's the case, why not ask her to go off the pill or to try a different type of contraceptive? It's something to consider.

As to your wife's prudishness... well, one of the best ways to get someone to open up is to ask leading questions and be a reflective listener. It's not as cunning and cunty as it sounds.

Basically, in a non-threatening and loving tone, you want to let her know that you'd like to talk about each of your sexual interests and issues to figure out a resolution and find common ground. Express your understanding of how she might view certain things like masturbation and vibrators as inappropriate based on her religious make-up; also, how difficult it must've been for her to find her own voice amidst all of that sexually repressed noise. In other words, get her to look at her history in a way that allows her to arrive at the conclusion that her sexual decisions and desires are informed by her religious background and not necessarily a true manifestation of what she truly wants.

Getting her to acknowledge this might take some time and more conversation. It's not something she will necessarily pounce on and realize.

You also want to talk about your sexual desires and proclivities in a way that she can hear you. For example: you know, honey, I've always been curious about a (fill in the blank) sexually. I'm a little nervous about talking to you about it because I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I sure would love to share it with you.

Please understand, I'm not suggesting that you tip-toe around your wife's sexual hang-ups and indulge them. No, what I'm suggesting is finding new avenues to open the door for communication. Because it sounds to me like you're at the end of your rope and quite possibly might extricate yourself from this marriage or seek outside sexual satisfaction if things don't improve. So before all of that happens, let's see what some new discussion points brings to the table.

You hang in. there is nothing wrong with your sexual desire and your need to be satisfied by your wife. You need to know that. it's very important that your marriage fulfill you sexually as much as it does in other ways.

Please keep me posted and email me if you have any further questions.

Good luck!


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Subject: Lovesick

Dear Aspasia and Fern,

Several years ago I ended up going through a horribly messy divorce (not my fault). I did not want this and begged both the ex wife and the judge presiding over our case to order marital counseling before granting the divorce. Needless to say this did not happen and she was more than determined to end our marriage. It was heartbreaking in ways that I cannot begin to describe to have to go to war with the only woman I have ever truly loved in this life.

After the divorce, I did have a few sexual partners, 5 to be exact and each looked very similar to my ex. The sex was great but there was something missing, not in them but in me. There was this emotional detachment, an inability to truly let go in any relationship, a total absence of the heart if you will. I had bounced from these various sexual trysts to the next, coming and going as I pleased.

Don't get me wrong, I did not use these women, or treat any of them in a bad way. I was monogamous with each. It was when they started talking of things that indicated the relationship was going beyond casual that I would find myself in a real fix. I wanted desperately to love again. I want desperately now to be married and enjoying the partnership, companionship and love of a wife and the family it promises to bring. Loneliness is suffocating my life right now, but I came to the point of realizing that to become involved in anyway was completely unfair to any lady I might take out.

So I stopped everything involving the opposite sex, that means no sex for the past four years. That means no dates for the past four years. Nothing for the past four years. As bad as the loneliness is, the guilt over hurting a beautiful and kind lady by dashing her hopes of marriage and commitment is worse to me. So, for quite awhile I refused to even look in the general direction of a woman, instead I played endless rounds of golf.

I threw myself into countless hours of work in my Landscaping business, sometimes working 48-72 hours straight, I went back to college to finish a teaching certification, all so I could safely occupy my time and force myself away from the ladies. I guess you might consider this a self imposed priesthood, a life of solitude, but I have not found rest in the solace, instead I find myself all the more restless and tormented.

Finally, I thought I must be ready to love again, I mean if this is what you want in your heart, if this is what you are desperate for, certainly you must be ready to fall in love again, right? Wrong! Into my life bounces this beautiful brunette who is incredible looking. Everything any man could ever want in this life or the next. She has the most incredible body I have ever allowed myself to glance at. I know if I allowed myself to pursue her, she would want to be with me.

However, she has made it clear in her life she is not about to have sex until she knows she is with the man she will marry. Can you believe it? 25 years old, a rock hard body, beautiful in everyway there is and she is a virgin to boot, God can be cruel.

She has done everything to put herself into compromising positions with me. Sneaking into the house late at night for a surprise visit in which she climbed into the bed with me knowing I slept naked. Sitting close to me on the couch allowing her breast to rub against me and even encouraging me to press against her. She will call late at night after she gets off work to talk to me as she drives home, hinting the whole time that nothing would make her happier than to come over and "spend some time with me," so she could "get her fix."

I have not become so blind to women that I don't realize all I have to do is reach out to take her and she is mine. As a matter of fact she has at one point told me to come and get it. A direct verbal challenge to come and take her virginity with no strings attached. I didn't even kiss her. God help me, I wanted to leave her walking bowlegged for the next month from the poundings I wanted to give her. To visualize having sex with her or fucking her is the easiest thing in the world, in fact I do it about 4 or 5 times a day. Wanting her, that is the easy part. Try as hard as I may, I cannot visualize making love to her or being married to her. Whenever I try to imagine this, I draw a blank. I simply cannot do it. I know all I have to do is to take her. That would solve my physical need, my lust for her body, but that is all it would solve. In fact, in all other cases it would simply make things worse.

As a result, I moved from the place I was living and did not give her the directions to the new house, so no more midnight visits where she makes me want her so badly by climbing into the bed with me. I did not give her my new email addresses or my home address or my home phone. She knows she may call me whenever she wants on the cell phone and I will always be there for her, but I had to escape the overwhelming lust I was having for her.

I haven't seen her in a couple of months. I have forced myself into a hermit situation retreating from the world and from her. She calls regularly and hints about getting together or going out or even wanting to come over to the house to see me in the middle of the night. I politely make excuses as best I can and then get off the phone. Her parents have even called me asking me over for diner and "checking" in on me to make sure I am OK.

I want her very badly, I want to take her. But my feelings are physical and lustful. She needs a man who can love her, "give" to her and not take from her. She needs someone who can give her his whole heart and love her in a whole and complete way. She needs someone who can touch her with the tender aspect of male character and develop a physical relationship that is based on love, mutual giving of ones self to satisfy the needs of the other mentally, physically, and emotionally. All it seems I can offer her at this point is a more lecherous, lustful, taking kind of relationship, one that would by its very nature be doomed to failure like my first marriage.

Please tell me what should I do? Is there a way out of this for me? If you can answer, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Respectfully Yours,

Dear Lovesick;

Oy, do you got problems, babe. I mean huge, major FUCKED UP PROBLEMS. This is hands down one of the best academy award winning dramas I have ever read. Bravo, sugar. You have rendered me in tears, clapping and bowing in your honor.

A little sarcasm never hurt anyone... levity is good for the soul.

Bubbie. Sugar. Honey. Listen to mother.

Your marriage ended. It didn't fail. She outgrew you. it happens. People's needs change and either you change together like sands through the hour glass (which soap opera did I pull that from?) or you grow apart. She's not the right dame for you, cookie. if she were, you'd still be together.

I am BEGGING YOU to see a therapist, so that you can take that busted up, fractured heart of yours and put it back together again.

The fact that you are still incapable of moving forward is a big red warning that you are in an emotional crisis. Danger, Will Robinson. Danger! (which show is that from?) (it's all cliché's on the hottest erotica ticket in town, isn't it?!) You are not alone! Many people go through this. I'm sure one of the things that your therapist will recommend is a support group that's how common this is. you have to meet like minded men and women struggling to put themselves back together again too.

Honey, you deserve to be in a healthy, happy relationship. What you are doing is tormenting yourself, behaving like you're unworthy of happiness or perpetuating a crazy notion that the second time around might fail so why bother. Well, here's a newsflash... there are no guarantees in this lifetime. So, because of that, you're just going to give up? not even try? Man up, Mr. entrepreneur landscape gardener!

Let yourself love and be loved back. Go to therapy and don't stop until you've worked this out. Don't you think you're worth it? I sure as shit do!

You can email me to curse me out for being so abrasive. I just want you to know that. I will still hope that you go to therapy.




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