Comment: Feedback

Dear Aspasia:

Not a question, but some feedback because I want to thank you for your excellent advice! In case you don't remember, you advised me on whether or not to tell my wife about my encounters with our bisexual mutual friend. You asked me two questions in your answer and the second one really made it clear to me what I had to do. So the day after reading your answer I called the friend and told him that I would tell my wife about us shortly, since I really didn't want her to possibly feel betrayed or otherwise unhappy if she'd found out about it sometime in the future.

About a week later I told her. I was extremely nervous. She didn't mind at all! I did tell her that I really liked seeing him on my own and that, if she'd be ok with it I would like to continue doing this. So we made a deal: I'm going to meet him every now and then without her knowing, but I have promised her that I will give her detailed descriptions of my encounters with him from now on. I'm not sure if she's only doing this because it turns her on hearing about it or if she wants to somehow keep an eye on me by hearing what I'm up to - I think it's a combination of both. But that's fine by me.

I think my sex life actually got better! I can't thank you enough!

(But I'll try anyway) Thanks!

My dearest:

Thank you so much! We are so pleased for the two of you! Outstanding communication... See, it can work; it just takes two people and an open mind!

All the best to you both,
Aspasia

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Subject was She-male and I want to say bravo.  I am transgender I do not plan on any surgery I feel I don't need it.  But you hit the nail right on the head on how we feel and how men often treat us.   One say to me one time I play with she males when I get board of the real thing.  People have to understand that under all the makeup and the cloths we are people with feeling.  I do not try to trick anyone I am open and honest about who I am.  Good job keep up the good work.

Christine.

Dear Christine:

Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it, more then you know.

I am sorry about what that man said to you! People can be so insensitive, but I have to believe it's lack of information. Though, at times I ask myself, "if we treated people the way we wanted to be treated, would less go awry?" -

 Regardless, thanks for taking the time. I wish you the best. And you, my diva will meet the right man if you've not already!

 All the best to you-
 Love,
 Aspasia

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Subject: Fantasy Rape

I am a married, professional, working woman (15 Years) in my mid thirties, with a healthy sex life (4-5 times a week) with a hubby who adores me. Trouble is I find myself fantasizing about being raped... I’m disgusted with myself, but can’t stop it; I even trawl the Internet for associated sites & spend hours "playing". I am a strong personality normally & cannot understand this desire; it is so strong I now find myself seeking an affair! What is going on?

Dear Married Professional:

First, thank you for writing to me regarding this issue. It took quite a bit of moxie on your end!

It’s not that there’s something wrong with you per say. Though, I want to explain something to you, one possibility for this surfacing desire could be from a repressed rape, or aggressive molestation experience. Some rape victims have experienced a need to act out being raped with a sexual partner as a result of the rape.  This is possible –

Wanting to have sex with someone other then your husband doesn’t seem to be the issue. With respect to going outside of your marriage, do you want to have an open sexual marriage? If he found out you were having sex with someone else, what would the repercussions of that be? You are the only one who can make that decision.

What is important though is that you do see a therapist to peel the onion and find out what’s buried underneath the desire to be raped. Regardless of what you find, you’ll get through it!

Good luck and if you need anything else please do email me back.

Love,
Aspasia Fern

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Subject: Help, I’m Desperate

Hi, I'm a male, 20 years old, and a virgin.  In fact, I've only just recently gotten to kiss a girl--first time was last February.  Since, I've messed around with a couple of other girls, but we've never removed any clothes.  I've had cybersex, but it's not fulfilling at all. I think my problem is my weight--I look kind of like the actor Jack Black, but with an extra 30 or so pounds (I'm estimating heavy).  However, one of the last girls I did attract didn't take issue with that and told me as much. 

We didn't have sex because she wasn't ready.  I just can't win. I can't stand just sitting around waiting for something to "happen."  By the same token, I'm not good-looking enough to pick up a girl when I'm out.  Girls seem largely uninterested in forming any sort of sexual relationship with me.  I've heard that this may be a self-confidence problem, but how can I develop any if nobody wants me?  I know guys who look worse than me get laid.  It also seems that almost every girl I meet has a boyfriend (and I see proof that they're not making him up).  Can you give me any advice on how to get some sort of satisfaction?  I'm dying here!

-Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

Now, now, honey! You’re not dying; you’re just suffering from a severe case of teal blue testicles. Perspective, dear heart!

Read this statement you made:

<<<< I've heard that this may be a self-confidence problem, but how can I develop any if nobody wants me? >>>>

Defining your self-confidence resides with you. You can’t place it on external forces; it has to come from within. You have to feel great about yourself in order for others to feel great about you. Sexuality and chemistry, aren’t necessarily defined by looks, it’s more of an energy!

Once you begin to feel good about yourself, a lot will change and I suspect many a dames will come a knockin’ eager for you to rock em’!

Keep me posted, bubbie!

Love,
Aspasia Fern

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Subject: Could She

When a woman is sucking on balls. Could she wrap her teeth around one of my balls and bite it off?

Dear Could She:

Only if her name is Lorena Bobbitt, or she’s an offspring! Then again, if you’re dating a Manson, anything’s possible, right!

Seriously, sure, it could happen, but the likelihood of it happening is slim to none. What kind of women are you dating anyway? Just curious and what spurned this question?

Good luck! Maybe it’s time to do background checks on your chicks!

Love,
Aspasia

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Subject: Tampons and Homosexuality

Dear Aspasia,

I’m a 19-year-old girl (not unattractive but a bit overweight and tall) who has never had a boyfriend so needless to say I am still a virgin.  My first question is that whenever I try to put tampons in, I feel a burning sensation.  I'm afraid that this means that sex will hurt.  Is this a normal sensation or is something wrong?  My bigger question is that my best friend of 2 years is a boy and I have fallen in love with him. 

We've done some insignificant (3rd base) stuff together and I've made it clear that I am interested but he sends me mixed signals all of the time.  I recently found a bunch of gay porn on his computer but in the past he has told me under no uncertain terms that he is straight and I believe that he would be honest with me.  My question is, is it possible to use gay porn to masturbate but to not really being gay, or am I just kidding myself?  Any advice you can give would be much appreciated!

Dear Diva:

First of all, my cherry was popped YEARS AGO and tampons are still extremely uncomfortable for me! My point, they’re not for everyone. The way I see it, why should I keep something up my snatch if it ain’t gonna get me off!

Second, part two... That’s a pickle, diva! Getting off on gay porn doesn’t mean you’re gay. And, he’s telling you he’s straight. Though, ya know, you’re both young and he very well could be gay, but in denial – DON’T FREAK OUT! Try to walk a mile in his shoes for a minute and let’s just say that he is gay, but isn’t comfortable telling you... Ok, why? All right, unfortunately being gay, even in today’s society is NOT easy. People think that it’s a choice - well, it’s NOT! Because of this pressure, there is a burning and painful desire to be ‘normal’ – of course defined by society, which means ‘straight’.

Stay open. You’re young. You’re beautiful! Work on your self-esteem, date and you and the right man will find your way towards each other!

Good luck,
Aspasia Fern

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Subject: Orgasms after Sex Change, yes, or no?

Hi, i have this guy friend that want to get a full-blown sex change.  And he was wondering if he would still be able to have orgasms after the change as a girl.

Dear Pre and Post Orgasm:

Unfortunately, once you get the chop, you very well might lose the ability to orgasm, but I do know that surgeons are working diligently to figure out a way for post ops to have them!

It’s your call! Honor your gut!

Love,
ME

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Subject: Married and TEMPTED!

Dear Aspasia:

Just want to mention, love your column...you do a FAB job.... I’m a very open, sexually charged woman with a really strong sex drive married to a very loving, sweet, reserved, quiet man; a virgin when I met him at 21. He doesn't like to have sex often, considers it "dirty" for the most part and has reacted...oh, can I say 'with trepidation', when I have tried a few more adventurous acts than sex in a bed and 2 positions. He looses his erection easily and is very emotionally sensitive. I love that sensitivity in all other aspects of our life together but in the bedroom (Gawd, I'd love to move it out of there) it's getting a little tiresome.

This past year I have had sex with my husband, which is always incredible, a grand total of five times and would go completely mad without a dildo, movies and lit. I have always been into open relationships but he is not, so I have been happy to remain both sexually and emotionally faithful since we've been together. Here's the problem: I have a very dear close friend of many years who has been my snuggle-buddy (the guy you trust when you have to go someplace alone in a tight situation and your guy's not around: ski trips, business dinners etc.) through all of my relationships, who suddenly for the first time made a move on me, which I rejected. 

REAL PROBLEM: I've gotten to know his likes and dislikes over the years, helped him through problems in his relationships, and I know he is into the same kind of sex I am and that we share a strong mutual attraction that has been playful and fun.  When he
made that move, he told me I have been his fuck-fantasy for the longest time, several times a day, and told me the wild, dirty things he would do to me if he could. (I think I took cold showers for a week after that...) I've spoken to my husband on many occasions about my needs (I love to fuck, always have and always will) but I can't take it anymore. I think about this guy way too often, and knowing what he's thinking about me makes it worse.

Once, when we were partners at a community egg-spoon race he had to tie my hands together behind my back and I nearly came right there... Since then, I've been avoiding him in person but not in my mind...what the hell do I do? More movies? Don't leave the house? Give up all my male friends? Join a convent? What???

Signed, Frustrated, On Edge and REALLY tempted...

Dear Frustrated:

Hmm... When you married him, did you know what he was like sexually? Was he a bit more open, did he change, or was he always reserved in the BDR?

Bravo to you for making it this far in an onerous sexual scenario, bravo! Do you want to stay married to your husband? If so, how would he respond to you requesting an open sexual relationship, or to the idea of you taking a lover? Would he FREAK out? If so, how do you feel about having relations on the side? What would the consequences be and are they such that you can live with them?

You do need a good pounding and I will for one will be rooting like hell for ya, love!

Good luck and let me know how it all plays out-

Love,
Aspasia

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Subject: To Date or Not to DATE

Dear Aspasia I am an 18-year-old young woman. I like this guy but the only problem he is dating my friend. We have so much in common and I am extremely attracted to him. I have talked to him about this and he doesn't know what to think and neither do I. My friend he is dating is very emotional and doesn't really make him happy. I want to steal him but am not sure if I should. Please help me out!

Dear to do, or not to do:

Ah, yes, it has been written that “boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever” – Have you ever heard that?

If he’s unhappy in his relationship, it sounds like he should get out of it. If you date him while he’s still with your friend, how would you feel if she found out, or better yet, how would she feel? If your friendship ended, again, how would you feel?

You have to decide what is best for you, my dear! Also, if you’re meant to be together, you’ll get find your way towards each other!

Love,
ME

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Subject: Cum

Does you boyfriend/husband ever eat his cum out of your pussy?  I think i want to do this but am afraid it may be a turn off? Any experience?

My dearest:

What my boyfriend and I do is certainly not of interest to you, come now, dearie! You just want to know if you’re a FREAK! Well, rest assured, YOU’RE NOT! If you want your man to lick his splooge out of your hot box then you TELL HIM! And if it makes him uncomfortable, then he’s not the one to explore that with you!

Love,
Aspasia Fern

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Subject: Fascinated with Breast Milk

I am a guy who is fascinated with breast milk. To suck on an engorged nipple and drink milk directly from a lactating lady would be heaven. This might sound a little kinky. I have heard that some women get a lot of pleasure when having their milk sucked from their breasts. To know how to meet a lactating lady and how to approach her is my dilemma. If I asked a lady who appears to have milk (young newborn or actually nursing) I don’t want to offend her; just offer my services.

David

Dear David:

True, I think if you walk over to a nursing mother and say, “mind if I take the right?”, she might be a bit averse.

I’d place an ad on lit! Why not! I’d also hang out at my local Lamaz Center (kidding)! Seriously, place an ad and write down everything you seek, my nipple sucking, calcium-driven daddy! I’m sure you’ll be nursing in no time!

Good luck and keep me looped.

Love,
Fernage