Subject:
Is This Healthy?
Dear
Aspasia,
I
was hoping, desperately, that maybe you could give
me some reassurance that I'm not completely insane,
and/or "morally bankrupt", as is the opinion of one
of my old friends who, I'll admit, has a far different
outlook on life than I do. She was raised in a very
religious environment and, despite her new, collegiate
attitude of live and let live", she is, at heart,
pretty conservative. Be that as it may, this girl
has been my confidant since 7th grade, and there's
no one else I really feel comfortable talking to
about this, aside from the other party involved,
and he's bound to be biased, so I was hoping for
an outside opinion.
Anyway,
at the ripe old age of 19, I'd been in a few relationships,
the most recent lasting almost a year. My last relationship
had ended on an unpleasant note, with a stunning
realization on the part of the guy that this slightly-Agnostic,
Jewish girl he'd been fooling around with for the
past year was NEVER going to convert to being LDS
(Mormon), and was therefore going to Hell. However,
up to this point; I'd been happy, and well-satisfied,
but not de-virginized. This wasn't due to my lack
of interest, mind you, this guy just felt quite strongly
that sex should wait for marriage. (That seems to
be the prevalent idea here in Utah, teen pregnancy
stats to the contrary.)
Anyway,
I'd been single for a few months, dating around and
generally enjoying myself. I'd passed up offers for
sex on several occasions, simply because I didn't
feel comfortable with the guy, not because I wanted
to wait for my first time to be with "the one I love." I'm
sure sex with someone you love is amazing, in fact,
I'm quite looking forward to falling in love someday,
partly for that reason, but I've always seen sex
and love as two complementary, but separate things.
A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with one of
my friends, who we'll call H., about this issue and
about how I really wanted to experience sex and how
what I was really looking for was a teacher, someone
who would show patience and discretion and help me
learn. We were speaking very casually about this...we've
had these sort of conversations before; it was nothing
new or especially provocative.
It
was about this point that H. revealed that he found
me very attractive, and, as he put it, he "would
relish the opportunity to make love to [me]". I should
probably mention that I find H. dead sexy. I've known
him through mutual friends for a couple of years,
and we've been "friends" for about eight months,
and I feel completely, one-hundred-percent comfortable
with him. I told him I'd consider the offer. He smiled,
and the conversation moved on. No awkwardness. As
he was leaving my apartment, I asked him if he had
been serious. He said he had, and told me the offer
still stood, but not to make any rash decisions.
I told him that I never made rash decisions, and
we said goodnight.
I
thought about it. I made a decision. I said "yes".
It was one of the easiest "major" decisions I've
ever made. A couple of days later, he came over to
my apartment, and...wow. We'll just leave it at that:
WOW! It was exactly what I was looking for, completely
uninhibited, slightly kinky, and very "in the moment".
Since then, there have been several repeat performances.
I am, apparently, a fast learner. I might buy stock
in Trojan.
Naturally,
I had to share the fact that I had this great experience
with my best gal-pal, so when she came back to Utah
for a visit last week, I told her. Now, she hasn't
met H., and her first reaction was: "When did you
start dating this guy...I mean, you just got out
of a relationship with N___! Isn't that awfully soon
to make that kind of commitment?" (At this point
she was looking shrewdly at the ring finger of my
left hand.) I told her we weren't dating, and that
there was no commitment. (That's one of the things
H. and I had agreed upon early on, neither of us
was in the mood for a relationship.) Suddenly, she's
looking at me like I've got snakes growing out my
eyeballs. She was speechless for a moment, but unfortunately,
that didn't last long. My best friend, who I had
always shared my secrets and desires with, and who
had expressed some pretty raunchy fantasies herself,
I might add, launched into me like I was guilty of
murder. (This is where the "morally bankrupt" comment
comes in.) She lectured me for over twenty minutes
on the sacredness of sex and how she obviously didn't
know me as well as she thought she did. When she
ran out of ways to insult me, she picked up her purse
and left. I just sat there, slightly dazed, and grateful
she hadn't tried to kill me.
Now,
I appreciate that our value systems are different,
and that my friend was/is probably just really worried
about me, because, hey, we care about each other.
I'm also almost completely positive that we'll be
able to patch things up...eventually. We've fought
before. What I'm really asking about is whether or
not my attitude towards this whole thing is healthy.
I mean, we're being safe, I feel completely comfortable,
and I'm having fun. I have no regrets. Am I missing
something here?
Morally
Bankrupt in SLC
Dear
Morally Bankrupt: NOT!
You
have a great head on your shoulders. You seem confident,
intelligent and keenly aware of who you are and what
you want. These are wonderful qualities.
You
are having safe sex with a very clear mutual understanding
of what this relationship is, two friends exploring
each other sexually, nothing more. I think its pretty
special!
I'm
very sorry that your friend is being such a vicious
judgmental bitch. I can't help but wonder if she's
jealous. Regardless of her motivation, its not appropriate
for her to decide what acceptable, mutually consenting
adult sexual behavior is. That is for you to decide
and you only.
I
think its great. I admire your confidence and willingness
to explore your desires safely and maturely.
There
is nothing about you or what you are doing that could
be classified as morally bankrupt. In fact, all evidence
is to the contrary. Wouldn't you say?
Good
luck and keep me posted. I'm very sorry about your
friend. Perhaps she's not as good a friend as she once
appeared to be.
Love,
AF
*
* * * *
Subject:
Odiferous Oral
Hey,
Ok this is a simple enough question. I absolutely
adore going down on my girlfriend, and I know she
loves it too, but of course there is one glitch in
the process. While I think her scent is the most
arousing thing in the world, she hates it. Thus far
after I've gone down on her, I've always had to wash
my face for her to come near enough to my face to
even kiss me. Is there anything that can be done
for this problem? Or some kind of product that will
remove the smell faster without having me do a full
clean up of my face to remove the smell?
Love
Giving Oral
Dear
Love Giving Oral:
I'm
so curious as to the scent wafting from your girlfriends
beaver. Is it the standard pussy potion or is it of
the tuna variety?
Her
scent turns you on, which is what's most important.
I'm not sure why it turns her off so much. Have you
ever asked her?
Just
like you can enhance the taste of a mans cum, you can
do the same with a woman's vaginal juices. Eating ripe
berries, wheat grass and drinking lots of water might
help. Also, there are products that also work with
a woman's body chemistry. Check out the Literotica
toy store.
Good
luck and keep me looped.
Love,
AF
*
* * * *
Subject:
How Do I Get Her To Do Oral?
AF,
I'm
hoping you can help me out with this...
I
have been with my girlfriend for almost 8+ years
now... and she has pretty much given into any request
I had had at least once. BUT with that being said,
she is TOTALLY against anal. That includes reversing
the role and having Anal done to me...
Is
there a good way to ease into this... or to get her
to agree to at least TRY it...? Right now she even
refuses to talk about it.
Thanks,
Eager
for new things
Dear
Eager for new things:
Have
you asked her why she's so vehemently opposed to giving
and receiving any anal activity? Was she tagged in
the ass accidentally and traumatized? I think you need
to find out why so you have a better understanding
of what's going on with her.
Once
you do that, if it turns out there's no trauma in place
and its just something she's not that into, but has
never tried it, talk about the many things you can
do anally, rimming, massaging the asshole, fingering
the ass, using a dildo, a vibrator and of course, having
a cock up your ass.
Ask
her if any of those things intrigue her at all. Also,
you should have her read some anal stories on Literotica,
and maybe rent or buy a Nina Hartley sex flick about
anal sex. She might see it through a different lens.
If
after all of that she's still not into it, ask her
if she would jerk you off while you finger your own
ass or something like that
Get
creative, and try to find out why she's so opposed
to anal.
Good
luck!
Love,
Aspasia
Fern
*
* * * *
Subject:
Sick of Waiting
I
am in a very confusing situation right now. I have
been seeing this guy for about 4 months; we met and
slept together on the first date. We have continued
our sexual relationship. We've also become best friends.
We do everything together and can't go a day without
speaking to one another. The problem is I like him
as more than a friend, and he says he would never
date me. Yet he calls me at least 3 or 4 times a
day and is not sleeping with anyone else. Which he
would have no problem doing. He is a VERY attractive
man. My question is do I continue the friends with
benefits relationship, and wait and see if more will
come out of it or does it sound like a lost cause?
Sick
of Waiting
Dear
Sick of Waiting:
This
is an interesting situation, isn't it?! You are close
friends and you fuck. Yet, he says hed never date you.
Is he new? OY.
What
are his reasons for not dating you? Have you ever asked
him? Have you also asked him how he sees your relationship
now? If not, you should.
The
bottom line here is that you want more than a fuck
friendship with him. If he doesn't see it ever going
anywhere and doesn't want to pursue it, I'm not sure
staying in the relationship as it stands would be in
your best interests. But only you know the answer to
that. Could you handle maintaining closeness and sexual
contact knowing this was the end of the line without
the promise of a committed relationship?
Definitely
talk to him and find out why he's so opposed to moving
this story along. Once you know for certain, ask yourself
what makes the most sense for you.
Good
luck! I know how painful unrequited love can be. It
kind of sucks ass!
Love,
AF
*
* * * *
Subject:
Should've Been Born Gay
Dear
Aspasia,
I
have a very unique problem. I am a 22-year-old man
with a very high sex drive; however, I seem to find
vaginas very unappealing. Just the sight of them
makes me want to cringe. I find I cannot touch them
except with my penis (which sometimes even takes
a force of will), and I certainly cannot give a girl
any oral pleasure.
Here
is where it gets tricky. I am 100% heterosexual.
I find women incredibly attractive, and I am no different
from any other man in that respect. I have absolutely
no attraction to men whatsoever. After deep introspection
I have concluded that I am not gay, but if I were,
I would not have a problem with it. In fact I almost
wish I were gay, but I tried that and I have found
that homosexuality is definitely not a choice. Vaginas
are very disgusting to me, even by sight alone. I
don't know what to do. I can't seem to have a healthy
sexual life, and most likely cannot please anyone
but myself during sex because of my problem. What
can I do?
From,
Should have been born gay
Dear
should have been born gay:
Why
do you hate pussy so much? What did our tacos ever
do to you?! Did you get bitten by a snappin' pussy?
Did you have a rough journey through the vaginal canal
at birth? Did you get trapped in your moms labia?
WTF?!
Bubbie,
breathe, I'm busting your balls!
I
think you need to figure out why you experience such
disdain for women's vaginas before you can move past
it. there's a reason and you must get to the root of
it in order to have a healthier sex life. Even if it
means speaking to a therapist, its worth it! This is
something that's much too important to let go. Capisce?!
Once
you know what the issue is, I have a feeling it will
get resolved. If not, your therapist will help you
see it in a more positive and palatable light.
Good
luck! Go to therapy. Keep me looped.
Love,
Aspasia
*
* * * *
Subject:
Frustrated About Fetishes
I
have had a spanking fetish for as long as I can remember.
99% of my masturbation is fulfilled playing out a
spanking fantasy in my head, and I do reach orgasm.
Now it's beginning to make me feel abnormal and I
resent it.
However,
while it certainly feels good, I cannot reach orgasm
with sexual intercourse, oral sex or in any other
manner for that matter.
A
few years ago, I participated in a couple of various
spanking scenarios with both men and women but on
both occasions I was left feeling violated and physically
sick, and I most certainly did not orgasm.
Now
I am very frustrated. I want to experience a climax
at the end of love making. When my husband and I
were asking each other what the one thing was we
wanted out of life, he simply said he wants to make
me cum, and that hurt.
I
have a gorgeous man with a bloody big dick and he
knows how please a woman but I'm unable to give him
the honor of bringing me to orgasm.
How
do I rid my mind of all thoughts of spanking? What
can I do to make a fantasy be of my husband seducing
me and fucking me to orgasm instead of what they
are?
Yours
gratefully,
Confused
and frustrated
Dear
Confused And Frustrated:
You
know what; I think this is a very workable issue!
Do
you think it might turn you on to have your husband
lightly spank you? Its possible that because you were
in a group S&M situation with people you didn't
know that you had the negative response. I'm thinking
that if you and your husband act out some light bondage,
it might make you cum.
Our
sexual desires are our sexual desires. We can't explain
what turns us on, we just know that it does. There
is nothing wrong with you or what you fantasize about.
I think there is a way to incorporate the spanking
in a way that works for both of you.
You
need to let yourself off the hook, and try not to sit
in judgment of yourself. Get creative in bed with your
husband.
Good
luck!
Love,
AF |
