Great start, trite, naive,fairytale ending, you had so much
Going thru 6 or 7,`then it all became mush.
Well done. Keep up the good work writing nice stories that do not go way overboard with sex seems.
You have created a wonderful story.
Very good reading.
This feedback is in response to "Anonymous" who called it a fairy tale (read like a fairy tale, but then there's a readership for such stories. I'm not in that group).
Couldn't even use a proper login name?
I pity you for even writing your comment. Too bad you even took the effort to record in view for us appreciative readers who do like these feel good stories!
Indeed, don't read and express such crass thoughts.
THIS WAS A PERFECT STORY. I REALLY ENJOYED IT.
Sweet for sure with a double dose of syrup that got kind of sticky in places. I enjoyed the read, but hope you will take my comments in the spirit I share them.
A good story, but you write a lot of the dialog as a grand, sweet gesture. I don't think I've ever heard anyone of high school age speak to friends or significant others as "my love" in the way you write your dialog. I also have more than a little trouble believing a young man in high school could get all teary eyed so often, even dropping to their knees weeping, without taking a lot of ribbing from friends. Right or wrong, did you actually see something like this happen when you were in school without someone recommending the cry baby man up? Not saying there aren't people that leak a tear now and then, but in my experience, classmates are far less forgiving than those in your story.
I'd like to share something a mentor shared with me once when reviewing my writing; something they referred to as a literary crutch that really didn't need to be "said".. Nothing in your story should be "needless to say", or you wouldn't write it. I found myself counting the times you used this phrase and had to stop myself as it was detracting from the story. A too frequent use of idioms can make a good story suffer by breaking the flow.
Finally, I can't believe this made it through editing with so many mixed up or missing words. I found myself rereading a passage several times because of a missing word, or the words out of order, trying to determine what you were trying to say. I hate being reminded about passive voice and other issues online style checkers complain about, but they are really good at finding missing or juxtaposed words. I am terrible at this because I can read what I've written many times and not find a mistake; really, I already see the word I meant to include in my head. Please use style checker, or find an editor.
Please accept my apology for remaining anonymous, but I prefer you accept or reject my comments on their own merit ( or lack thereof ). Read your story again, and if you feel everything is as it should be, then you shouldn't change a thing.
Rather childlike stereo type characters. He is handsome, wealthy, fantastic with computers, wealthy,loved by all, everybody happy to help in any way possible,
Become god on earth to a childlike woman, steals 900,000 dollars which he gives her and they live happily after.
Read like a fairy tale, but then there's a readership for such stories. I'm not in that group
Good show! Very good writing and story. Enjoyed it immensely. Cheers!
...use block quote Literotica says they support it and I am going to test their answer in one of my next submissions.
- Used to indent 5 spaces from both ends.
i absolutely love your work but this stands heads and shoulders above everything else you've written. The poignancy and the purity of her love and the reverence of she and Terry had for their family and faith brought tears to my eyes, I applaud you. Thank you
Please add another chapter where Roland dates Janie!
Very sincere read.
1. Glad to see you back!
2. It IS syrupy and sugary - but you've admitted that, so no real problem, although there were a couple of points where I was ALMOST prepared to stop!
3. It IS still a terrific story, and it would be interesting to see a follow-up (hopefully less sugary!) telling the tale of their future, especially as it seems to be at least semi-autobiographical.
4. Very interesting comment about the editing. I noticed extra changes in one that I had edited when it was published, which the author swore he hadn't made, so maybe there IS a robot out there which doesn't like perfect grammar. I'm in the middle of editing another long story at the moment, and now I'm going to be curious to see the finished product once it has been submitted.
This was a really good story I enjoyed it a lot thank you
Nothing like a laugh and a good cry. You did a great job with detail of the people in the story, so much that I could picture them in my head. Thank you
Sad...poignant...with tears in my eyes....loved this!!!!
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