I meant " lilting"
To be set to a lilyin' beat than a poem :5-ed .
I didn't really like it when I was reading through it but the last line makes it all come together.
And you wrote this your way. Audio delivery was top class, too. In fact, a neat package all round. Now where's the box?
Haha reminds me of my girlfriend, damn some girls are nasty!
Wow, I didn't realize you were there when he had me for the first time! Great and funny expression of the first dive into sex.
I usually do not follow poetry, let alone non erotic poetry. But after your audio story a few weeks ago, I found myself wanting to her more of your voice. Your voice is a smooth and flowing as the words you write.
Did your way get all the treasure to their destination in one piece? I suspect so
I am a guy, I did the deflowering and my gf of the time was brave enough to say, "That wasn't too good for me." She did add however, "We need to practice. Lots!" and we did and I reckon I got better, we both did.
Thank you for a really clever poem.
I really enjoyed the poem, and your voice is perfect for it. I felt the reading, however, was too rushed. Still, high marks!
Same old story? I agree about the lines quoted by 12, though. And I like this one, too: "tying my mind to his urgency".
If I were permitted to play with this one I would change 'mouldable' to mailable for the layers of meaning as well as for the IMO better sound of the word.
The double use of each bothers me as well I would change the second line beginning with each to 'of stunning beauty'. Again layers of meaning.
I'm more reluctant to share changes I'd make to poetry just because subtle word changes can change the feel of the piece but in this case I couldn't resist. Hope you understand it's coming from a place of sharing rather than critique.
The last for lines save this from mediocrity. If the rest were as good it would be at least a 4 and possibly a 5. As it stands a decent 3.
Loved the lines...
raise a glass to procrastination
And clink to that somnolent state
We'll rejoice in our foibles and missteps
'til there's no more whiskey to pour.
The next to the last line doesn't quite fit. Since it sounds like she/he's in the process of ending the dry spell something like...
My/our dry spell had lasted too long.
Would work better.
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