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if they are married

just because he is leaving does not mean the husband is not off the hook. and it would seem he has a 1 in 3 chance of being a father.

Needs a better ending

Story was good. But that can't be the ending. Should end with hem settled down with children.


If only all women were that willing ;-)
Still loving this story so much

Reply to Fanfare

Thank you for your feedback...I truly appreciate it. All critique is worth revisiting in my opinion as it is necessary to grow as a writer. That is why good editors are such a boon to a writer. Now having said that it does not mean I will (or should) change my style...but I can refine it. As you allude to though...there is no way to please everybody all of the time. The fact that it is a lengthy first piece will probably turn a lot of people away. That can not be helped and frankly I am okay with that as it is this type of feedback that I am after anyway. I appreciate your time and hope to keep you as a reader in the future....Thanks!

Alternative opiniontates...

Sk, I am glad I convinced myself to read the first portion of your novella "Awakenings". I enjoyed this style of writing and admire how well you have imagineered and are developing your characters.

I sincerely disagree with the opinions of those who would advise you to alter your vision of how this storyline is developing. Do not allow yourself to be pedanticsized into second guessing your work.

Butt then I am notorious for my contempt for the dead religion of Academic English. As a first-class sadistic bastard I enjoy tormenting my readers.

The appeal for my writing is very limited, usually people who enjoy word games and bad puns. I have no desire to seek out popularity or official approval.

'Woot!' as an exclamation, fuck, cunt, cock, prick, etc'; all have been in use a very long time. Cause lets face, Insert tab A into Slot B is what everyone is meaning.

I have heard people use the terms 'lass and lad' within the last few years, talking about their younger kinfolk. (west of the Atlantic).

I look forward to exciting adventures ahead in this saga of spectral sex.

Fun but

I think that the screaming and physical altercations are your way of avoiding how to develop the characters more fully. You used lots of clever bets and such to make things light but I think of if I would want to have a long term relationship with any of these women and I'm left with a "no" answer. And romance should leave you wanting to be with a character, not flee them.

For all the above negatives, you show real promise. Thank you for the work, and for the effort it took to continue posting 'till the end of the story.

It is going to be a Novel

Yes, it is long..and there are loose ends because of it. That is why I put it in this category. :) It will be a lengthy piece...and probably along the lines of a Trilogy as Tolkien was one of my favorite authors. It very well will become more of a fantasy/sci-fi novel than an erotica story. If it does I may move it...or even try and publish it as an online novel... but I like the idea of people giving me feedback so I can edit it I am just "poor folk" with no traditional schooling in creative writing. Thanks for the feedback!


I liked the story overall however i feel like you tried to hard to add detail. None the less having all that detail really added visualization for me and I appreciate it really good work on this I'll be looking for more submissions from you rather there in a contest or not.

Differnt - Loose Ends!

Nice red, however a bit too long! Lots of loose ends t tie uo so at least a couple more entries for this one. :-)

Great story but...

... I always thought that the "no sex" rule was a bad idea.

I think he would consider himself lucky

So she fucks around a bit, but what she gives him would be worth putting up with her occasional fuck with someone else.

Besides, he might be able to satisfy her if he fucked her enough.

It would be worth a try.
He should go get her and take care of her at least until the baby is born.

Thanks for the read

I think he would consider himself lucky

So she fucks around a bit, but what she gives him would be worth putting up with her occasional fuck with someone else.

Besides, he might be able to satisfy her if he fucked her enough.

It would be worth a try.
He should go get her and take care of her at least until the baby is born.

Thanks for the read.


Have to wonder what is next for the teenage sweet hearts...

Loved it

Such a nice O. Henry ending. 5 by 5

Reply to Anon

Thank you very much for you feedback. It is exactly what I am looking for as I want to improve my writing style to make it as palatable for all audiences as possible. I have read quite a few King Novels, but I never read the "Walking Dude" character before. Though I did watch "The Stand" when the mini-series came out. I Never intended him to be similar to any other character but the one I have in my head...but Lord knows what influences are at work as I have read thousands of books in my lifetime. The name (oddly, naming my characters is one of the hardest things for me) is only a play on my own handle that I have used from as far back as the very first "Diablo" computer game...ha.
Just a few responses here. I am toying with the Sci-fi idea and will probably do that exactly. This was just an easy outlet to use..and as such I didn't want to disappoint those readers who like the heavy sex scenes...and of course I admit I like playing with that (pun myself. However, I intend to use some of the world I create here in future projects. As you are probably aware, it is important that the "rules of magic/sci-fi" are consistent throughout a work if you want to breath some believability into your creation.
POV. I am glad you responded to this because I noticed the same thing myself and am trying to remedy this very thing. A big influence on me is Robert Jordan and his Wheel of Time series. He had a knack for this type of writing style and I loved it. I like the idea of a reader getting a taste of how a character feels or thinks. Jordan was a master though, and he did it in chapters. I noticed I do jump around to much from paragraph to paragraph... and I can see how that might detract from the story being told. I will work on that.
Part of the Benjamin Stark characters nuances are influenced by the idea that he is really a man outside of time. He is and yet is not a 17th century creature. He is and is not of the present and the future. I have yet to fully flesh him out, though I know what I want to do with him. I was trying to make his mannerisms/speech reflect that...but that is not easy and possibly not doable in a meaningful way. Giving him a more concrete mannerism may be best as you suggest. I will certainly toy with that idea.
Good catch on the "woot" by the way... lol. I should have taken that out as you are correct.
If you should happen to read this (wish I could have sent you something directly) feel free to continue on the feedback. It will probably be a few months for the next installment and I would love any input on it. Thanks!!

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