"I thought that some of the metaphysical imagery was really particularly effective. and interesting rhythmic devices which seemed to counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor.... yeah, okay enough of that silly nonsense!
I am more used to making a joke where I sound smart, opposed to being serious and proving that I don't know what I'm talking about!
I am hardly accomplished yet I will make two nuance comments:
First, your structure seems to be 1-8-8-8-8, maybe this suits some predefined pattern, I wouldn't know. Yet wouldn't it make more sense to go 1-8-8-8-8-1? You start with "My love", ending each stanza thereafter with the refrain "Take me" except the last, which you say "take me, my love". Wouldn't it be more "proper" to say:
In that regard, it would end as it began...
The second is, "Don't you know I always will be?" does that sound better? Perhaps that has to do with style, which, if it is, then I shouldn't have mentioned it.
It really is very good, and I hope to see more works in the future from you!
I hope she reads it for you. It's a sweet personal confession.
but if that's all she's doing, she's doing it wrong ;)
Very funny, very clever. A truly enjoyable read...and clearly the answer is to spank.
Totally engrossed me in the details. Thanks for sharing
...Bare Juliet thy jealous moon.
love the authenticity that shines through. great ending, too.
De Sade ?!?
Billy S. says "go for it"
I'm really enjoying your sentiments Case28. I feel there's a lot of passion behind your words. It takes me back to many years ago, when I felt something just like this. Sweet days! Your one lucky SOB!
You really should try to publish these as a book. They're very good and, taken together, a rather amazing story of one person's sexual journey. I don't think I've seen anything quite like it. I've done erotic poem series here but this is different: poetic and yet reportorial, forthright and graphic without sounding like a porn script. That's really difficult to achieve imo. I've been here at Lit a long time and rarely even read erotic poetry here anymore because most of it is such crap. But you have something very special here. It's pretty clear you are a writer.
uneven punctuation, I know you can do better
Strong poem, nice intensity and a lot of great lines. It feels like there was a raw brewing energy when you wrote it.... must have been the hate. I've read it a few times, the poem is solid and deserves a 4.5. I just think the following lines need a little tweaking to improve the flow at this point...
Maybe consider losing the "an" and playing around with the placement of the words....
hard veins jutting...
Feel free to read and give me feedback with my stories and poems.
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