As the poem developed, it had me thinking, of course, of barbarians invading Europe, then a civilization already in the process of decline. I liked the way you took those historical images and turned them into psychology in the first person.
Usually I cringe whenever I hear "cunt" but didn't here because it works well in stark contrast to "cross" in the line that follows.
Perhaps it's using (or misusing; see Ashesh's comment) unfamiliar personal nouns. Delaram is a girl's name and the Gomal is the river that separates portions of Afghanistan and Pakistan. Your and Ashesh's comments are making me re-think this. Desejo pulls it off nicely in her poems; Tzara does too sometimes.
Food for thought.
They say there are no atheists in foxholes. There's maybe a preponderance of them on Lit. who aren't interested in the subject. I think there's a lot of good poetry about the meaning of life, inclusive of a mysterious God. I've always been intrigued by that notion, so your poem, which I liken to the Tao or Acquinas's "Via Negativa" intrigued me.
I think it would have been better in free verse. I don't think "I am that image that was graven" is archaic, but I think "oft times" is and feels like you wrote it to force a rhythm to the line. I also might have written "is graven" rather than "was" to suggest eternity, but I think I understand why you chose the latter with follows in the line, so maybe that's a quibble.
I think lines 6 and 7 are outstanding. The reason why I don't include line 8 which has the key word "emptiness" in it is because it's not a choice, and when combined with 6 & 7 extend the rhyme, which feels forced. If you decided to edit the poem in free verse, this stanza is a great place to start because packs so much IMO.
The last line wraps it up nicely.
In the final analysis, if you're happy with the poem as is, that's what's important. Thanks for posting it. I enjoyed reading it and reflecting on some of what you said in it.
We seem to be lamenting the passing of youth. Dreaming of what used to be but will never be again.
I like the stream of mindfulness
with ishtat nothing else really to add,
stanzas 4/5 really hammer home a resignation to it all
made me smile
It is a list poem, full of string sentiments, hard thing to write, your words hit home here as sad, yet uplifting
the whole tone is dim and bleak, but the humanity portrayed in survival is vivid, I must agree with Ashesh in terms of your ability being outstanding.
this edit really portrays a lot better than the first draft in the five sense, the bones are there but bringing it into stark narrative heightens the read for me thank you for sharing
Constituents wants to sit down & redraw the original Monogamous agreement it's a situation of a Bear on the Horns of a veritable Dilemma : my sympathies & may God grant you Wisdom to negotiate wisely ! All the very Best , Oldbear .
For you Vodogaz , our fellow Poet & Lit member : now forget her & write more beautiful poems :5-ed
Gol means Round . Bahar is the great Outside or Nature : Gul Bahar would imply a Natural Bouquet or Blossoms of Nature an appropriate name for a young Afghan beauty . Round Nature would be hinting @ Rotundiity or extremely inappropriately referring to her breasts or ass which no good Muslim parent would do or Maulvi allow !! So Gul Bahar would be a better name : it's two words Gul & Bahar . GM , i'm always amazed @ your sheer humility in acceptin' constructive comments in spite of the fact that alongwith Demure you're leagues ahead of the rest of us in terms of Poetic aesthetics ! Thank You for being you --A9
on this as a sentiment, not as a poem.
This is probably the healthiness thing I've seen here, I wish you, your sisters the best, have a good christmas or whatever and a good life.
I scored it a five.
Having problems getting my head around lines 5 & 6, mebbe reading it wrongly.Effectively leaves an overall impression of survival and what it takes.
I won't go over ground already covered. Bogus tends to be very direct/visual in his work, but the image which I liked was the unstated one. The image of the male who had failed to keep up with the lady, (she is a lady to me!) and this tawdry man who's only solace is to desecrate her, to somehow re-assert himself with her degradation.
Maybe I'm reading too much into it but it might be interesting if Bogus put himself in her shoes and wrote of him.
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