There is too much whining in the narrative to allow for any empathy from the reader. The author doesn't seem in touch with pain, rather the idea of what they think it would be to feel pain. It's generic and general and could have been written about anything by anyone. I am not drawn into the poem, rather repulsed by it because the author is not even self-aware enough to realize that she is not fooling her audience. They see through this fraud of a poem and are left disgusted and bored.2
Interesting that the first two stanza had such elementary rhymes and the last had none, although the end letters of the abab form were the same... leads to several conclusions not expressed here. An ignorance of the subject matter makes further comment impossible, but, it was recommended by gm I had to look. I'll read the other comments now.
You lost me there at the last half of the second stanza, but only because my politics may be a little more to the right of yours, based on your response to a comment . ;-). The rest was witty and funny and will bring me back for more.
Most Lit posts related to haiku are silly or worse. Thus I am happy to see an honest attempt. I'll be critical but I have respect for your poems.
Line 1: Rain falls on the park
is a bit unnatural. A rain just rains, it has no intention to rain particularly on a park. Also, short haiku should avoid any unnecessary repetition of information by having a summary like line 1. Thus a natural and precise verse could be for instance: "park benches in rain", with its concrete haiku zoom. Next, "rain falls... on street guitars" sounds too dramatic, unnatural (it's possible but such phrase has to be artistically motivated). Both my objections sound like an exaggeration, but in the context of haiku, these are real objections to me. Finally, line 3 suddenly introduces a political cliche which is hard to stomach. Haiku can address homelessness and similar. But a tired cliche should be avoided like a plague, especially in a haiku. You may even wonder if the experience is authentic in a heavy rain, when the distinction between poor and rich is obscured. This means a logical inference rather than an observation (like saying that rain obscures the distinction). All together, this haiku does not feel like an authentic experience, but rather as politically motivated verses.
Now about the second haiku. I'll write about verses 4-5-6. Haiku hardly ever uses a simile, there is no reason for it, haiku uses juxtaposition instead. The simile in line 4 is a huge poetic misunderstanding. Cherry blossom are as poetic as pearls. One does not need two mushrooms in a small bowl of a haiku soup. Comparing sakura (cherry blossoms) to pearls robes sakura of sakura's poetic dignity.
Line 5 and 6 are just not haiku, it's a different story (much inferior in my opinion to haiku). Well, we don't really have haiku in this case.
(I didn't rate this post).
Thank you seannelson. I hope you will persevere on your haiku road.
allows no return passengers/ TK U MLJ LV NV
This poem moved me to tears. It truly touched my heart. Please... more poetry...
but not on a white steed. TK U MLJ LV NV
What an absolutely excellent gift you have written and presented. I feel much the same way about the editor who has come into my life and my writing. Luckily for me, a new friend on lit was willing to share. Now, they both have become greatly appreciated for their friendship, wisdom, and encouragement. I may tell my editor to read your poem and know that I would have written something very similar. Thank you for sharing. Apple
I second Ash's recommendation in PF&D. Wonderful economy of language.
I was at first thrown a bit in the last stanza, but when I looked up "grain" and discovered it could be an intransitive verb as well as a noun, the pieces of the poem came nicely together, at least for me. I found myself melancholic, not overly so, just enough to think about love and suffering.
Hey, I love your poem. I saw you favorited one of my stories so thought I would look at yours. I see you have high approval so I can come back. I had time right now to read this and loved it. If your other work is as good, I'll comment there too! Regards, -C
I see the love in your heart soaring :-) very sweet !!!
True words from a Writer!!!
Made me laugh from my childish ideas. :-)
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