this looks close to home......
A lot could be cut out and reworded in my opinion all of the repetious they'd and she's hindered the read a lot. Thank you for the read.
I now think this is my favourite of the three. Possibly because I left this one till today to comment.
The single beautiful metaphor would be enough for most writers but you bend it back on itself and then shift it again so it is so strong and so mysterious yet clear at the same time.
Then the structure and flow. I started thinking about the poem and that again the rhyme of the last two lines gave such a good emphasis. It was only then that I realised that there was irregularly spaced rhyming on every single line. Well my wife says that I notice very little of what is going on round me. However, I think that it is a tribute to your mastery that the rhyming should blend in effortlessly (instead of sticking out like a sore thumb) and the shift in rhyme sound should itself be a key element of the poem.
Incidentally and going back to Fall from Grace, I love the device there of talking about life as being a metaphor for the lake rather than the other way round. Sublime.
I will try to send you a more detailed comment on your poem via the anonymous feedback channel. I wish there was somewhere we could establish a dialogue about this poem, as I both think it very good and think it flawed.
The easiest thing to point out is that (at least Wikipedia, which is of questionable accuracy) calls it the Abbasid Caliphate, not the Abbisad Caliphate. I assume that is either simple error or, possibly, a different (and perhaps more reliable) source.
The main thing that bothers me is the first line: "During the Abbisad caliphate". People living in ages do not refer to those ages. Why I think of this poem as, literally, a nightmare of a contemporary woman dreaming about behavior centuries ago.
Which, of course, weakens your intent to show that the same behavior is contemporary.
None of this is to say that I think this is a bad poem. It is an excellent, thought-provoking, intelligent poem.
allows others to dine, TK U MLJ LV NV
and you cant pin the blame on an Apple, TK U MLJ LV NV
...a reminder of the ways in which Man mirrors Nature. And always, a lesson to be learned. Very nicely done!
said the spider to the fly." :) So many ways to read the web that traps unwary prey.
You caught me up quickly with:
admiring their reflections from the banks
extend low branches, an entreaty that
will not be answered:
The held me tightly throughout the rest, each line deepening my enjoyment.
Powerful imagery and metaphor. A little different from your other two today. Works very well and gives a lovely lurching feeling as one reads on. I do not think it is (or needs to be) clear what the spider is a metaphor for. Very strong.
Now I am not someone who likes being unpleasantly pedantic and picky on small inconsequential details. Of course not. But.
Do spiders and their webs actually operate as in your metaphor? I did not think the web drew them further in towards the centre along the wires – they just sort of stuck when they hit. Also, I thought the only reason the spider cut them loose was if they were too big & their struggles would destroy the web. If she did not need the food, she just wrapped them up & saved them for later – rather as with Frodo in the Lord of the Rings. Who cares.
I like this the best of your recent poems.
There are interesting structures and pictures developed.
Not sure that using 'smell' in the third verse to rhyme with hell fits.
I do wonder what Edeltraud would say on the subject of Pelegrino?
I viewed this, the first of the new Demure poems, with a mixture of anticipation and trepidation lest it would not be as wonderful as so many previous ones. This was not helped by my stumbling and initially misreading ‘ripple’ as ‘nipple’ in the second verse (piss off Freud).
It is wonderful. There is that delicate flow of words that I so deeply admire and wish I could do myself. More important still, there is the beautiful, haunting and evocative metaphor – that is teased out, manipulated and extended.
Others are much better than me at seeing and analysing the verbal structures that create flow but I really like the emphasis given by the rhyming of the last two lines.
There are various different styles of poetry. You are by far and away the best in this style of evocative clarity.
iron filings drawn /by a strong magnet – they will come to look,
Is outstanding because it says so much.
My favorite among your submissions today. "Spider" can mean many dark side things, can't it?
blew my mind away ! Excellent work , thnx for sharin' & 5-ed !
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