Merry Christmas !
Okay, what you've done is condensed part of a story that should of been multiple, plot filled, descriptive chapters into what quite frankly amounts to garbage.
This has no proper description of sex, so it isn't a stroke story and you can't lay out anything half decent plot-wise unless you properly describe it.
Anthonyfiction's Time for School has done what you tried to do but on a completely different level.
the day job
Great as always. Once again, I urge you to consider turning this into a TV series.
you should write about draupadi with her five husbands
The negatives already mentioned were the only ones I had, so I'll skip that part and go on to the positives!
Nicely done beginning to a first time story. The amount of detail was good (other than physical characteristics), the pace was spot on and the action believable. I'm hoping you'll fill in the history on what caused the creation of the world as it's presented.
I'm definitely going to be looking for the next chapter(s). Well done.
It may have taken a couple of days to fully read through this book but holy shit was it worth it! The way in which you wrote this story was absolutely divine and I cannot wait to read book 2 :)
This is really good
I like the start. It's rougher in format than Golden Wishes by Datagrowth. I find it's different enough that it can skirt plagiarism -- though not by much.
All that said, even though it's only been six months, the other storyline seems dead. I see this sometimes. Someone starts a profile, submits a story or three, then nothing, like they fell of the face of the Earth: there's little or nothing in their profile data, rarely anything in their bio section, and no favorites; and yes, if I like a writer's story, I check to see what THEY like and maybe find more gems. Again, it appears that Datagrowth posted the three short chapters and then nothing since June 2014. That's not a long time, but the other stories were posted within days of each other.
Also, most of the names of the guilty are at least slightly different, too. Matt for Mitchell, Sloan for Surge, in college for a few years and terrorized for that time, cop dad protecting bully, secretly pining for girl who deserves better (Dawn vs Quincey). Locations, are different, too -- Michigan for Florida -- though keeping the location as Ann Harbor has a sort of mystique. Kind of like North Haven vs Haven in Maine, if that means anything.
I did something similar to this many years ago and it was my first online fiction posting. The difference is that I contacted the writer about her unfinished tale -- at that time, two years had gone by -- and she generously agreed to let me finish the work. So I did, she liked what I wrote, posted it on her site and shared writing credit.
From what you wrote, you skipped that step.
The fiction here is free, but it is copyrighted. Celebrity fiction can get away with using characters from popular media. Recycling stories is a lot more dangerous. There are enough differences -- thus far -- to say this is inspired by but not a copy of the other tale. It's a fine line, though, and I recommend highly that you do your due diligence to avoid problems in the future. The genie is loose so to speak, so please! Continue on.
I'm not an editor but if you want a reader to do comments and proofread a little, drop me a message. I try to check my email every few days. Besides reading, writing my own stories, running two role playing games, heraldry and cartography projects, I am passably edu-ma-cated, but none of my degrees are in English. Since I've been laid off recently, I do seem to have a bit more time at the moment.
The proviso is that if I help you, you finish the tale. Like others, I hate getting into a potentially good series only to have it hang in empty space. Sometimes it can't be helped, as in the unfortunate recent passing of the talented Callicious. Most times it's just silence, which is incredibly frustrating.
Like you, I have struggled to find an editor and my own writing has suffered accordingly. It takes a special mindset to be able to edit your own work down to perfection. Asimov apparently did one rough draft and one final draft. I'm nowhere near that good. I don't promise to catch everything, but I will help as best I can. You should be able to link to my profile and send a message to me. We can go from there, or not, as you wish.
Parting advice: Ray Bradbury used to give seminars and he told about people who would come up to him and say, "I want to be a writer." He'd nod and tell them things like "great" or "that's nice" or something equally non-committal yet pleasant. Once, though, someone started out with, "I am a writer--" and he immediately responded with, "Yes!" Bradbury concluded his anecdote with this summary: belief is integral to success.
Keep at it. And luck to you.
Very good story. Love the length, made for a good read. Would suggest a editor or at least a proof reader to correct the wrong words used.
The plot moves along nicely and the characters are fun.
The only suggestion I would make is to find a proofreader. There were many wrong words - spelled correctly- that did not fit the context of the moment. Also a few instances of a missing word or words placed awkwardly that took some time to decipher.
Other than those few concerns this was a great story. Thank you for the time taken. 4 *'s
it was a pleasure to read your story...please go on!
Please continue this story, it is excellent!
Thank you for your comments. I wanted to mention one thing here.
Dennis as you mentioned details are a little light about the characters. I had done this intentionally at first, but on reflection it may have been a poor choice. My thought was that by giving you just enough details to start the picture your imagination would fill in the visual details in whatever way you would personally find most appealing.
Again thank you all for the kind feedback and the votes. I do apologize for the errors that were in this submission. I thought I had proofed it, but clearly a lot of mistakes made it past. I will do my best to have that not be the case in subsequent chapters.
On that note I have started work on a what will be chapter four of this story. I'm going to watch and see the responses on here, but unless the rating takes a massive down turn I will try and have another chapter up by new years.
There aren't many stories about Northmen .
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