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Latest 15 Reader Comments

red smear of lipstick

would be my obsessive need to find something to critique, that maybe the image isn't as perfectly fresh as the rest of the poem. 5/5, excellent work, poet.

Wonderful writing

Really evocative and filled with sense cues for the reader. I might move "cut" to the last line though you probably considered that and wanted more emphasis on that word...Anyway it's excellent. Thank you for the read.

Excellent

Really like this.

Very nicely constructed. I particularly liked the slide into gothic horror in the last seven lines & the use of the word ‘slayer’ there to emphasise.

I think generally readers on the site react more positively to poems that are warm and cuddly or, if not, lie behind reinforced glass. This poem is not cuddly and it just stands there, licking its lips, staring at the reader.

Original.

i have also

Struggled at times connecting with your material, I believe that if you were to be able to portray it musically it would make more sense when you vocalize the stress lines and adjust the tempo to suit the rhyme.

With this piece there is a strong narration and it flows far smoother, is still a tad dis jointed but it is a good piece in my opinion. I agree with Angeline about the brilliance in those three lines. Will try to read and comment on your work more.

Lovely wordplay

I enjoy the way sounds are used to emphasise the content.

solid

+5 for 'nettles' and 'cloying waste'

This is a Wow poem to me

Let me say with respect Mr. Pelegrino that I don't always understand your poems. I don't understand what your tag system means and I think most of what you write is meant to be read with music but I have only the words. Still this poem is just alive with personality and a strong narrative complete with historical references. Also there are lines in there I'd kill to write lol, like this for example:

"So you lie there half living
Agonizing in pain,
You're neurotic but your doctors are insane."

I'd fix some of the English to smooth out what I see as awkward phrasings here and there, but otherwise this poem is so strong. The more I read of you, the more I see the distinctive voice in your writing.

Just my opinions, of course and thank you for the read.

Dem , today both your poem 'n

Oneiro's is hinting @ ?? Resurrection of the long gone ones ! ? 5-ed .

hmmmm

this looks close to home......

nice imagery

A lot could be cut out and reworded in my opinion all of the repetious they'd and she's hindered the read a lot. Thank you for the read.

I now think this is my favourite of the three. Possibly because I left this one till today to comment.

The single beautiful metaphor would be enough for most writers but you bend it back on itself and then shift it again so it is so strong and so mysterious yet clear at the same time.

Then the structure and flow. I started thinking about the poem and that again the rhyme of the last two lines gave such a good emphasis. It was only then that I realised that there was irregularly spaced rhyming on every single line. Well my wife says that I notice very little of what is going on round me. However, I think that it is a tribute to your mastery that the rhyming should blend in effortlessly (instead of sticking out like a sore thumb) and the shift in rhyme sound should itself be a key element of the poem.

Incidentally and going back to Fall from Grace, I love the device there of talking about life as being a metaphor for the lake rather than the other way round. Sublime.

An excellent poem, though flawed, I think.

I will try to send you a more detailed comment on your poem via the anonymous feedback channel. I wish there was somewhere we could establish a dialogue about this poem, as I both think it very good and think it flawed.

The easiest thing to point out is that (at least Wikipedia, which is of questionable accuracy) calls it the Abbasid Caliphate, not the Abbisad Caliphate. I assume that is either simple error or, possibly, a different (and perhaps more reliable) source.

The main thing that bothers me is the first line: "During the Abbisad caliphate". People living in ages do not refer to those ages. Why I think of this poem as, literally, a nightmare of a contemporary woman dreaming about behavior centuries ago.

Which, of course, weakens your intent to show that the same behavior is contemporary.

None of this is to say that I think this is a bad poem. It is an excellent, thought-provoking, intelligent poem.

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