And when it is over.....

As some of you are aware, I am recently out of a relationship. My first D/s relationship, in fact.

I stumbled and struggled, feeling thrust as a canoe might on a raging river. Then, healing began.

How does one leave a relationship of such intensity? For me, I remained freinds with Him. Eventually, I have become friends with His new sub. (It appears He works quickly )

Two points:

I phoned Him last week. While the call was very friendly and superficial, it brought back a longing for a relationship. I miss the devotion, the adoration of a Dom. I miss having that in my life.

The second point: He has asked that I stand up for them when He and his new sub get married. :O


Hmmmmmmmm.........

This all seems odd to me and I rather think He has a plan. However, how do you end a relationship?

How do you walk away? It is so much more difficult than the other relationships I have had and I realize this is because of the D/s aspects.

Pssst......no! I do not want Him back.

Anew

Miss Taken....

It seems that you have parted on very friendly terms and this is a very good thing....

Leaving this type of relationship is never easy if you leave in a postive manor.......

Leaving is so hard because you have shared a relationship that is so full of trust and loyalty and when ever you share a converation with him all the wonderful things that have occured between you and him will come out.....

That type of relationship will come again you can be sure of that all that the things that you have shared in the past will enhance your new relationship......

Sometimes we seek this relationship to much...it will come and sooner than you think.......

As for standing up for them that will be something that you will have to give some thought to but if he has asked you, than to him you are a very speical one in his eyes......

As for a plan... there maybe be one and you will just have to wait and see and take it as it comes... remember he has decided to collar another.......

Its not that you are walking away.. its that you are moving on and he will always be a part of you... so as you begin your jouney just as the sun raises so will you heart and a new relationship be begin......

Take the things that you have cherished and keep them close because one day you will share them with a new Dom and these things you hold dear will enhance your new relationship.....



Cop4u

Thank you, cop.

A wonderful post and very insightful as well.

The comment about a plan was made as I know He wants to have his fiance and I together in the same room. Funny, it may have nothing to do with sexuality....just a need on His part.


As for me, I am not actively seeking a new Dom, as you implied, if it is meant to be , it will happen.

Thank you, again.

You're right, MissT: the ending of an important BDSM relationship has got to be more painful than the nilla variety because of the incredible trust and openness with which we imbue our relationships.

In our relationships, we submissives are so psychologically exposed, emotionally open, and physically willing with and to our Dom/mes, that an ending, especially an ending that one doesn't choose, flays us down to our soul and leaves us bleeding and injured for a very long time. Eventually, though, and in a time that's right for us and us alone, we come to accept that the end has occurred.

It's a hard, cruel process though, and there are no shortcuts.

How do we leave a relationship of such intensity?
We do it just as we do anything else in which we have no choice.

We cry when we must. We struggle and ache. We feel the loss of our Dom/me down into our fingernails and as a part of every breath we take. We mourn the loss of such stunning openness and pleasure. We get angry. We cry some more.

We go on.

We begin to understand that while THAT particular pleasure with THAT particual person might not be available to us anymore, similar pleasures are - if we elect to open ourselves to the possibility. We begin to come alive again and...

We go on.

MissT?
A personal note.
It's never worked for me to stay too close to a Dom/me that has been important to me after it's ended. A casual, occasional friendship is one thing but anything more than that would be... hurtful, i think, for me.

We give of our very essence, MissT. when that essence is no longer wanted, to continue to nurture the connection past the point of casual friendship would be counterproductive, perhaps.

Besides, your next Dom will almost definitely not want you to be close friends with your former Dom, my friend. That's the way those Dominant types are, it seems. and your former Dom will understand that attitude, too. Trust me.

I'd not go stand up for them at thier collaring/wedding, either. I say it only because i don't think i'd be emotionally strong enough. It would hurt too much. That's just me, though.

I feel your pain and confusion, my friend.

Thank you, cym.

I am moving forward with my life, but this request from them was a surprise.

I have been called a very "accomodating friend." I suppose this, too, would be an example of that.

Miss Taken-
I am sorry for your pain, but I must say that, although I don't know the circumstances of your breakup, that something in your former Dom's actions just doesn't sit right with me.
Is it possible that he has misread your desire to remain friendly, and believes he can manipulate you into becoming involved in a multi-sub relationship with him and the new woman?
Please be careful of your heart. Many dominants, and I don't mean to make an assumption in this particular case, become expert at detecting emotional vulnerability and exploiting it. I agree with cymbidia that your well intentioned desire to remain on good terms may backfire on you.

I suspect you are right, JamesBlanding.

We often discussed the long term possiblities of adding an additional sub, eventually for long term.

Yes, I am a bit wary of his intentions.

For now, distance is a thing that keeps me safe and he is focussed on his impending nuptuals.



I am actually doing very well with all of this. I don't miss him, I miss some of the elements of the relationship.

Ahhhh.....in time!

Time heals all wounds, they say, and wounds all heels. You deserve the best, MissTaken, not to be played with. Hang in there, sweetie, I'm sure you will have someone very special in your life again, soon.

And BTW, I love your new av.

Cake and Ice Cream

miss,
He wants you when HE wants you and not when you need your cravings and desires fulfilled. He knows that you will come back to him on his terms . . . therefore he gets both his cake and ice cream. There are other "fish" in the sea and you WILL meet someone but give it time. Hang in there, kid.

Thanks, fallon.

I was sort of wondering how other people had ended their relationships as well.


Anyone?

MissTaken said:

Thanks, fallon.

I was sort of wondering how other people had ended their relationships as well.


Anyone?

Click to expand...

i have a habit of rolling my eyes when people talk about BDSM relationships being deeper or stronger than other types of relationships, but there are special problems involved in them to be sure, and breaking up is probably more complicated in BDSM than in vanilla for most people. Not harder, but more complicated at least.
My last relationship ended because my submissive, who i loved more than anyone in my life, had to end it for the sake of her mental health. She suffers from severe depression and in her therapy it became more and more apparent that because she had childhood abuse issues, a BDSM relationship was unhealthy for her. we tried to alter to a vanilla relationship, but it was too late. You cant unring a bell. It was very hard for both of us. But I am happy to say that she is doing so much better now than she was when we were together.
I'm doing OK too, although there will always be a hurting place in my heart. But we can move on, Miss T, and I am glad to read that you are doing well.

Thank You

Thank you for this thread.

As I have posted my wife and sub left me....it has been hard...
Each day I try to put one foot in front of the other ....however it is like .....while....a wheel is missing from a two wheel bycicle.

I have already learned much from this thread.

I have to agree with the statement that D/s relationships are much more intense........

Richard

Being totally new to these boards and the lifestyle I'm probably making a fool of myself for posting...but a fool is what I am anyway so...

I broke up the last remains of my only lasting relationship yesterday,,saying it was pointless to pretend that we still were friends after not being in touch with eachother for almost two months.
(That might not seem much,,but we live in the same city,,both have phones and most important,,we are both online on AIM,,ICQ and MSN at least 3 hours per day at the same time).
It got to the point when I got tired to always be the one to start our conversations so I tested what would happen if I did not.

Well...to have a friend you must be one. I live by it,,have never let a friend down so far...but also the opposite must be true. I cannot let others let me down infinitly...of course there might be periods when a person simply don't have the strength,,but that is a different matter...

Anyway...my ramblings sums up in two things:

1) I don't understand the... contempt against "vanilla" relationsships.....as if a relation is less worth if it doesn't contain whips and ropes....
Before you flog me (no pun intended!),,I DO realise the mutual trust that must exist between the D/s.....but I see the commitment to eachother far more important.

2) The end of the line is that one must look into oneself and see what one is willing to put up with. A candle burnt in both ends shines twice as bright,,but will also last half the time...
If one can handle staying friends without either one constantly feeling hurt I can only gratulate.
If not it's better to make the break complete. Perhaps there can grow a new friendship under new circumstances in the future,,but that will be a NEW relation,,not built on an old fundament that risk to poison it all.

Kind regards
/BP

MissT ~ i don't have any experience at ending a D/s relationship well. < laughs @ self > i have twice asked release from my Master and ended up re-submitting to Him simply because ... well ... i gave Him my heart, soul and body and cannot take it back no matter what. i am His completely, which surprised me.

i ended my almost ten-year marriage a while ago and found that much easier to walk away from. Not to say i did it lightly, but once the decision had been made the follow-through was not full of the regret, the agony, the pain, the longing that was present when i asked for release from my Master.

For good or bad i'm His. The only thing i know i can't handle is if/when He chooses to take another sub; should that happen, i know i will have to leave because my jealousy would disrupt everything. i pray everyday it doesn't happen.

Reading your circumstances, though, i don't know whether to think that He is trying to manipulate you, or trying to find a way of closure for you that He thinks might work best. i realize i'm too quick to assume the best but that certainly is a possibility i see there.

Regardless, i hope you find a path that brings you peace.

My boy has left Me. He has found a beautiful young woman to share his life with. W/we parted friends for the most part. I am heartbroken but healing. This is what I wanted for him from the start. W/we are still friends and he knows that I remain willing to aid him in anyway that I may. He confessed that while he will remain faithful to his new love that he still longs for the voice of his Mistress at times. I was telling a friend the other day how lovely his new love is and I was teased for sounding like his mother. I guess it's better than sounding like his Mistress.

I hope W/we all find what W/we seek.


Helena

Goddess Helena, that's pretty much the same as my parting from my Mistress. I married my husband.

Goddess Helena said:

My boy has left Me. He has found a beautiful young woman to share his life with. W/we parted friends for the most part. I am heartbroken but healing. This is what I wanted for him from the start. W/we are still friends and he knows that I remain willing to aid him in anyway that I may. He confessed that while he will remain faithful to his new love that he still longs for the voice of his Mistress at times. I was telling a friend the other day how lovely his new love is and I was teased for sounding like his mother. I guess it's better than sounding like his Mistress.

I hope W/we all find what W/we seek.


Helena

Click to expand...

Helena, My heart and good wishes are with you. I keep thinking of the day that my sissy leaves to be with his one true love. Although, he and I are not lovers, we have a deep affection for each other. I would feel his absence a lot.

I hope you heal quickly and find more magic in the future.

Ebony, thank you.

I am trying to take care of myself and be proud of My boy. He will always be Mine in a way. He is just on his path to happiness now. I am going to do some thinking and figure out what the future holds for Me.


Helena

/hijack

Update

I started this thread nearly a year ago and the break up occurred in January of last year. I did wait a couple of months to post, during which time I completely backed out of the BDSM scene.

IN that year, his new sub and I have become the best of friends. I cannot imagine ever being this close to a woman. She knows me better than anyone.

He has released her and is seeking a new sub. She has found a Master, in fact, she has found the One.

He and I stopped talking in March of last year. There is no ill will or malice, but without the D.s component, we had very little interest in one another.

He was never what he presented himself to be. I believe that my time with him was the result of my eagerness to submit and my romanticized idea of submission versus wanting to spend time with him, the man, the individual.

I have learned I cannot remain friends with a Dom after having been intimate with them. There would always be that piece of me that has submitted to him that interferes with a more casual relationship. Perhaps, my future will prove me wrong, but hopefully I need never find out.

Anytime a relationship reaches an end, it is difficult. Each person that I have cared for and lost leaves a small hole in my life, in my psyche. Given the chance to fill that hole with friendship, I would if I could.

Many hugs to you, Goddess Helena and to you, as well, BP.

I wish you both the best.

Breaking up is hard to do

Some years back, my ex-wife and I broke up. We loved each other, but she had decided that she preferred women sexually (I can understand that!) and that she didn't want me as a lover any more. To keep my sanity, I decided I couldn't live with a woman who I desired intensely and not be able to have sex with her. It would have driven me mad.

Now this wasn't a D/s relationship (although the first story I wrote was about my fantasy of my ex-wife giving herself to me as my sex toy... this is not a healthy thing to do, fantasise constantly about an ex, so I wrote it down to try and get it out of my mind.)

Still, in the end, although she wished to remain friends (and occasional lovers... how confusing is that! "I'm gay... please can we have sex?"), I had to ask her not to contact me any more. No contact at all. No phone calls, no letters or e-mail, no visits. It was the hardest thing in my life that I have ever done.

I needed the space: space to recover, space to grow again, space to learn who I was without her, and space to move on.

I've not heard from her in years. I still miss her sometimes, and I think there will always be a place in my heart for her. She was my first love, my first lover. She's no longer the person I loved, nor am I the person I was when I loved her.

So walking away from someone you once loved can be the right thing to do. It can be hard, but it can be the best option to preserve your sanity and identity.

I very much doubt that a D/s relationship is any different. It's about intensity of emotion -- I don't think D/s changes this in any fashion.

MissT, I hope your next relationship is much better!

Miss T,

My experience in ending relationships are kind of harsh. I find myself totally running away from the person I'm with and completely dropping off the face of the earth to that person. I know it's probably not the best thing to do, but when I end it, I end it. I'm not oneto stay friends (or enemies) because if I see that person, old feelings get in the way and I become vulnerable and I find myself going back. I guess it's like taking a band aid off. I rip it off really fast.

Since I'm married now, I'm stuck with my band aid for a LONG time.. Give yourself time to heal. I know you will find someone that will send you head over heels. You're beautiful and smart. Being that we're submissive, the only problem I had was finding lots of jerks before I found my honey.. Good luck!

Petra

Goddess Helena said:

My boy has left Me. He has found a beautiful young woman to share his life with. W/we parted friends for the most part. I am heartbroken but healing. This is what I wanted for him from the start. W/we are still friends and he knows that I remain willing to aid him in anyway that I may. He confessed that while he will remain faithful to his new love that he still longs for the voice of his Mistress at times. I was telling a friend the other day how lovely his new love is and I was teased for sounding like his mother. I guess it's better than sounding like his Mistress.

I hope W/we all find what W/we seek.


Helena

Click to expand...

*this is what I wanted for him from the start*
This is the thought that MUST stay in Your honesty.
Now You begin a new journey in Your strength...keeping Your Domination from him and offering only friendship.
Take the time You need to digest this new phase in Your life without stepping too far back from Your own desires.
Accept who You are looking for that does have the potential of long term...one that You are not already preparing to leave You...Your magic is out there and if You are visible..he will find You.

Thank you, Shadowsdream.

I am keeping that in mind.

It is rather odd to call him by his given name but I am adjusting. It is harder for him, he cannot bring himself to call Me by My name yet.

I am taking some time to think about what I want and what kind of boy will best fit into My world. It will take time, but I will find another.


Thank you, MissT.


Helena

/hijack