Hi, All;
I've finished reading 85 of the 135 pages of the original thread. It's been hard going, but I'm slogging through it. I don't wish to annoy people by re-asking silly questions that have been answered dozens of times before.
I promised myself that I'd forego asking another question here until I finished reading the entire thread, but I find that I must now break that promise. You see, I'm becoming really confused about what BDSM means to me.
I realize that BDSM means different things to different people, and that a single definition can never fully describe such a complex topic. What it means to me is what I must figure out. So far, I'm not sure.
The reason for my trouble? I think that I don't know what aspects of it I'm attracted to the most. I'll try to explain things a little more.
I'm definitely attracted to women who are submissive. I always have been. This alone doesn't mean a thing. Many vanilla women act submissively to their husbands/boyfriends. My particular brand of submissiveness goes deeper, however. It's not that I must rule over every facet of another person's existence, but I definitely do get a serious rush when a woman seems to require my opinion on different matters, regardless of how trivial. Having her check with me over things like what clothes to wear, bath times, even weekend plans always makes me feel like she really cares about how I feel and that my opinions matter to her. It is not that she must do these things. The fact that she chooses to do these things that excites me. I return her interest tenfold. That feeling of having control, illusory as it is, feels wonderful. I treasure it when I have it.
I've come to the conclusion that it is the woman's psychological surrender that inflames me the most. Overly rough play I can do without, quite frankly. I don't judge those who prefer edge play, but it simply isn't for me. Perhaps one day I'll feel differently. It will depend upon who I end up with, I'm thinking.
I've also been with those who really needed physical restraints in order to get off. For them, if they weren’t tied down or otherwise immobilized they couldn't enjoy sex. I've seen it, and I accept it, but I really don't understand it. As for myself, when my hands are restrained and my vision cut off I panic. My reactions are severe, almost violent. I tried it twice in an attempt to understand just what it is these women enjoy about being restrained. I can't fathom it. At the same time, I love binding women, and using them while so immobilized. Hypocritical, right? I don't know ... must a man enjoy having done to him everything he enjoys doing to his woman? That would be egalitarian, but it doesn't seem realistic to me.
One thing I realized is that restraints certainly increase the level of intensity of sex. When I was restrained I could hear the hum of the flourescent lights, smell the buns from the bread maker taken out five hours previous, and feel the slight draft in the kitchen from the open window. I strained to hear her footfalls so I'd know exactly where she was. Unfortunately, I was too freaked to enjoy the experience much. Perhaps someday I'll try that again.
Maybe.
If I had to classify myself, I'd have to call myself a Gear Fetishist. I think I'm in love with the trappings more than the lifestyle itself. Seeing a woman in SS/L restraints, wearing bottines or arch-wrecking, strappy high heels gets me instantly hard. I can honestly say I've never seen an unattractive woman in bondage or fetish gear. A few strips of leather, chain or latex makes every woman sparkle in my eyes. I love the smell of leather and of latex. The feel of a woman's body encased in moulded PVC entrances me. For me, the visuals are the start of everything that follows after.
Does this make me a fake, a wannabe BDSMer? It isn't that I am -- I hope! -- pretending to be something I'm not, but I am aware that I only appreciate the most superficial aspects of this thing called BDSM. Perhaps this is only due to inexperience. On the other hand, perhaps it's that I don't really want to delve deeper into the subject.
Nah ... that isn't true either ...
I do want to delve deeper, but am quickly feeling that more reading isn't going to provide me with any more answers. Not that I feel I know it all; I'm aware that I know precious little. I think there comes a time when the theoretical must give way to actual experience. It feels like I am learning how to correct problems I haven't experienced yet and to avoid situations I might never encounter. Perhaps it would be better to live the life, encounter the difficulty, and then read up on how to solve the problems. My research just seems like a convenient excuse to not make a move and get started. As long as I can claim to be studying the subject, I can justify never actually delving further into it and gaining real firsthand experience.
It could be that I still have a bitter taste left over from my first taste of Neapolitan, and need this time in Vanilla-land to reset the tastebuds before trying another flavour. I'm taking a bite of the bland slice of bread prior to taking a sip from a second glass of wine, one much spicier than the type I'm used to. At least, this is what I'm telling myself. But does a wine taster gorge himself on an entire loaf of bread before taking his sip? No!
Lots of rambling, and not even a question for you guys this time ... I think I've bored enough people tonight with this post. I’ll continue reading the rest of the original thread. Perhaps Clarity will descend upon me yet.
G'Night, everyone.
-T
I've finished reading 85 of the 135 pages of the original thread. It's been hard going, but I'm slogging through it. I don't wish to annoy people by re-asking silly questions that have been answered dozens of times before.
I promised myself that I'd forego asking another question here until I finished reading the entire thread, but I find that I must now break that promise. You see, I'm becoming really confused about what BDSM means to me.
I realize that BDSM means different things to different people, and that a single definition can never fully describe such a complex topic. What it means to me is what I must figure out. So far, I'm not sure.
The reason for my trouble? I think that I don't know what aspects of it I'm attracted to the most. I'll try to explain things a little more.
I'm definitely attracted to women who are submissive. I always have been. This alone doesn't mean a thing. Many vanilla women act submissively to their husbands/boyfriends. My particular brand of submissiveness goes deeper, however. It's not that I must rule over every facet of another person's existence, but I definitely do get a serious rush when a woman seems to require my opinion on different matters, regardless of how trivial. Having her check with me over things like what clothes to wear, bath times, even weekend plans always makes me feel like she really cares about how I feel and that my opinions matter to her. It is not that she must do these things. The fact that she chooses to do these things that excites me. I return her interest tenfold. That feeling of having control, illusory as it is, feels wonderful. I treasure it when I have it.
I've come to the conclusion that it is the woman's psychological surrender that inflames me the most. Overly rough play I can do without, quite frankly. I don't judge those who prefer edge play, but it simply isn't for me. Perhaps one day I'll feel differently. It will depend upon who I end up with, I'm thinking.
I've also been with those who really needed physical restraints in order to get off. For them, if they weren’t tied down or otherwise immobilized they couldn't enjoy sex. I've seen it, and I accept it, but I really don't understand it. As for myself, when my hands are restrained and my vision cut off I panic. My reactions are severe, almost violent. I tried it twice in an attempt to understand just what it is these women enjoy about being restrained. I can't fathom it. At the same time, I love binding women, and using them while so immobilized. Hypocritical, right? I don't know ... must a man enjoy having done to him everything he enjoys doing to his woman? That would be egalitarian, but it doesn't seem realistic to me.
One thing I realized is that restraints certainly increase the level of intensity of sex. When I was restrained I could hear the hum of the flourescent lights, smell the buns from the bread maker taken out five hours previous, and feel the slight draft in the kitchen from the open window. I strained to hear her footfalls so I'd know exactly where she was. Unfortunately, I was too freaked to enjoy the experience much. Perhaps someday I'll try that again.
Maybe.
If I had to classify myself, I'd have to call myself a Gear Fetishist. I think I'm in love with the trappings more than the lifestyle itself. Seeing a woman in SS/L restraints, wearing bottines or arch-wrecking, strappy high heels gets me instantly hard. I can honestly say I've never seen an unattractive woman in bondage or fetish gear. A few strips of leather, chain or latex makes every woman sparkle in my eyes. I love the smell of leather and of latex. The feel of a woman's body encased in moulded PVC entrances me. For me, the visuals are the start of everything that follows after.
Does this make me a fake, a wannabe BDSMer? It isn't that I am -- I hope! -- pretending to be something I'm not, but I am aware that I only appreciate the most superficial aspects of this thing called BDSM. Perhaps this is only due to inexperience. On the other hand, perhaps it's that I don't really want to delve deeper into the subject.
Nah ... that isn't true either ...
I do want to delve deeper, but am quickly feeling that more reading isn't going to provide me with any more answers. Not that I feel I know it all; I'm aware that I know precious little. I think there comes a time when the theoretical must give way to actual experience. It feels like I am learning how to correct problems I haven't experienced yet and to avoid situations I might never encounter. Perhaps it would be better to live the life, encounter the difficulty, and then read up on how to solve the problems. My research just seems like a convenient excuse to not make a move and get started. As long as I can claim to be studying the subject, I can justify never actually delving further into it and gaining real firsthand experience.
It could be that I still have a bitter taste left over from my first taste of Neapolitan, and need this time in Vanilla-land to reset the tastebuds before trying another flavour. I'm taking a bite of the bland slice of bread prior to taking a sip from a second glass of wine, one much spicier than the type I'm used to. At least, this is what I'm telling myself. But does a wine taster gorge himself on an entire loaf of bread before taking his sip? No!
Lots of rambling, and not even a question for you guys this time ... I think I've bored enough people tonight with this post. I’ll continue reading the rest of the original thread. Perhaps Clarity will descend upon me yet.
G'Night, everyone.
-T
seriously though, In my humble opinion, you are NOT a wannabe. In my eyes, the wannabe is a dangerous creature, pretending to know more than they do and in doing so endangering the health/sanity/feelings of a dom/sub who trusts them. you're learning, trying out a new coat. some styles dont fit, some dont, some make you feel plain daft. No one who is genuine here will judge you because you are honest with us. Ive been reading for a long time, I rarely post, I just felt moved to respond to you, don't beat yourself up. it can be hard discovering you're a perv (!) be true to yourself, be true to us, and you will be loved and respected for who you are. Enjoy the journey, no one ever really gets there. Much Love xxxxxx
sierra
