- Erotic Poetry
- And With This Verse
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And, with this verse, he breaks open her heart,
The gift outrages, yet his voice instils
A note to temper sadness, which can start
To stir dark waters and relieve those ills:
They wash around the head and break the mind,
Cooling desire until, like frozen hell,
They simply underwhelm; and she's inclined
To let them fade away; come the death knell,
His intervening chimes resuscitate
A hope, an inclination to submit,
With new acceptance: she'll reiterate
Her fealty; surrendering, she'll knit
A fabric that is strong; it is no token;
It ensures that a heart is broken open.
- COMMENTS
buttersabout 13 years agothree instances of 'case'. sorry about that. canines interrupting my flow of consciousness *red face*
buttersabout 13 years agodefinitely has more to it when it comes to holding my attention. NOT a case, imo, of content forced to fit form. it works for me as a poem. sometimes a brush with a cliché isn't so dreadful, and i believe it's not here. however, perhaps consider changing 'open in L1 to 'apart' to read more smoothly (stresswise and soundwise) - with 'open' where it is, i'm forced to place the stress where it's not usually placed, and i don't get that it serves any special purpose to do so in this case... it might be that it's important for you to retain it because you feel it ties in with the last line better. i'd have to disagree with you, if it were the case :D
LadyGenevieveabout 13 years agowhen you pen something new. The circle infinite. Exceptional.
twelveooneabout 13 years agoa 5, I don't know why. "And, with this verse,", what verse? instils (tp?)
a note (good play here), dark waters (border cliche), That's enough from me, let some thread whores get off their ass and finish, perhaps one or more of the beat-boys can sat something about the rhythm of the thing.
I did tell you a five? 'Cause I'm also tired of the bullshit I get (not from you, yet) when I leave comments that aren't exactly raves. Just as I'm tired of the bullshit I get when I don't go into a lot of detail. Sorry, about this rant. Post it, with my blessing.
