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What a wonderful work you are,
a piece of art, stirring my senses!
Each one of texture,
colour,
flavour,
scent
and sound,

making a soft brilliance
out of a savoury, perfumed noise.

I want to touch you,
to see you,
to lick you
and to smell
your sweet delight
as you let me hear your love.

A treasure found though never lost,
just hidden behind your cloak of humanity.

  • COMMENTS
3 Comments
TzaraTzaraover 17 years ago
I like this, Champ, but I think it needs work.

I've read it several times and keep getting confused at the third line as to what "one" refers to. Me, of course, most likely, but I keep associating the "one" with "work" not "senses". Which takes me a minute to unwind and get straight.

The lines "making a soft brilliance / out of a savoury, perfumed noise" are, in my opinion, a touch vague, but work pretty well.

I find the line "as you let me hear your love" powerfully erotic, in context. Trust me, you don't want me to be more specific than that. Good, good line. ;->

I would agree with Rybka that the last lines are a little weak. Too prosaic, perhaps? Or forced?

Nice work.

ishtatishtatover 17 years ago
Omissions?

It has a slightly unfinished feel.Possibly some omissions might be considered.Eg "stirring my senses!Each" or "I want" and the following three "to's".But,I still like it especially the way it "speaks" to the reader.

RybkaRybkaabout 20 years ago
What no Knesthetic nor PSI ?

I love the concept of the "soft brilliance. . . of a savoury, perfumed noise", and you hit the fifth sense with the next line! :)

I am not certain that I like your last line though. >?)))><

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