Ashes

When You entered my world
i was independent and strong
You taught me how to lean on You
to rely on You
In no ordinary way but by design

You taught me dependence. Rewarded it.
You taught me to seek Your decisions
and rewarded that too.
You sought obedience; my will bent to Yours.

And the rewards were great.
Eventually i held out my personal power f
or Your approval.
Offered it to You
And You held it.

i merged myself with You;
my self worth, my competence
all measured by Your pleasure,
Your loving approval
i lost myself in You.

The intensity bittersweet, seductive...overwhelming..
and addictive.
The heat burning away all ego
all sense of self

So now that You have gone
How can i function?
make decisions?
believe i am a worthy person?
Who and what am i now?

Without the guidance and approval
You taught me to depend upon
i am lost, floundering.
The process for my power and
my self was steady and purposeful.

In contrast the ending was abrupt
and bewildering.
And Sir.... You could never return
all that i gave You
because i gave You what You sought

all that was me

So now i gaze down at the cooling ashes .... seeking anything that has survived the fire