Bad relationship poem.

I have been waking in the night
I lie awake with my mouth open
Aghast at the evil I have done.


I have lied a little – 'No, I totally love Morrissey!'
And then a lot - 'having children is not that important to me...'
I set so many brave, new, sexy boundaries
That I have wriggled out of quicker
Than that itchy nylon Leia outfit you had seen
I wore it without a hint of irony
Even though worked its way up my derriere
And it was against all my previous feminist airs.


Yes, you did love me at the start
When I was tough and fierce and smart
Now I have put all that aside
In favour of good old being nice
The nice that bakes you lots of cake
The nice that is completely fake
The nice that always comes multiple
And at the right volume and on time
The nice that never, ever, ever farts.


I have sat prettily and died a thousand deaths
In front of Xboxes, bad pornography and Top Gear
With my gritted teeth and my swallowed protests
'I'm okay with making the tea,
I don't need any help
I thought I might make pastry from scratch, my dear'
While that bastard Richard Hammond grins from ear to ear.


I have given up time to write and to dance, such a price,
The Chinese water torture of daily sacrifice
Discreetly slicing off parts of me here and there,
Paying attention to subplots in Kevin Smith movies,
Casual changes to the color of my hair

I have curled my desires over like pages that will come later
I'm sure I will get mine if I fetch you yours from the refrigerator
I really don't mind the disapproval from a mother who isn't my own
I really don't mind the last minute cancellation from someone else's phone
Honestly, in this day and age, who wants a husband and a home?!


For shame, the things I have done that I wished I hadn't
With my money, my annual leave, my time, my heart and my face
Things I've agreed to when drunk or guilty or lonely or saddened
The sex that can be wiped off with a cloth, yet never quite erased.


So here is my beauty on a plate
This is all of me and then some
Until you start to notice that I am acting numb
You start to buy me flowers and ask me what is wrong
You beg, you plead but I insist on taking the fifth
You look into my face and see what I have become,
I've martyred the girl you feel in love with,
Now you're stuck dating a moody Cylon.


The sisterhood will tell me that it's definitely your fault
You brought it on yourself, you were always self absorbed and late
This is misogyny, Gen X masculine apathy
And they never really liked you at any rate
You were dull and you weren't the fittest of your mates.


The truth is, I savagely killed my pride and murdered all I was
I hung on for so long because I thought it was my job
To be lovely, happy, lucky, all lipgloss and smiles
And never have bad wind or refuse to compromise
If I could only keep up the supply,
Of cute dresses, hipster picnics,
Listening willingly to your playlists,
Those hair-line related white lies
Then maybe I'd be satisfied
And I would win the lifetime prize
Of being your girlfriend/wife.


These days she is someone I see in the mirror
An idiot that I do not recognize
You fall asleep cuddled up to me
But I feel horribly dead inside
When you leave me later, so apologetically
Because I'm nice and all but just not who I used to be
I cry and pack my things
But I can't say that I am surprised
Relieved would be more like it
You can't say I didn't try....