- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Beauty and its Beast
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So now it's come to this:
some oxymoronic plastic tube
in a face mask that's not a recipe
leaves a desert upon your tongue
each time a valve opens up.
Meanwhile your Hollywood eyes
droop over an erstwhile hourglass neck
as if two pearl drop necklaces dropped
like a string of tears
to the sands of time.
- COMMENTS
greenmountaineerabout 10 years agoAuthor"swoosh-p, swoosh-p, swoosh-p." Hiccup sounds like stomach distress.
greenmountaineerabout 10 years agoAuthorI think you both hit upon a deficiency with "face mask." I decided to take the line out completely. I still like a segue to llne 4, maybe a little onomatopoetic to mimic the sound of the ventilator. Thanks for the feedback:
Beauty and its Beast
So now it’s come to this:
some oxymoronic plastic tube,
hiccup, hiccup, hiccup,
leaves a desert upon your tongue
each time a valve opens up.
Meanwhile your Hollywood eyes
droop over an erstwhile hourglass neck
as if two pearl drop necklaces dropped
like a string of tears
to the sands of time.
Angelineabout 10 years agowith meaning, both meaningful and obscure at once. The tone of irritation mixed with the sense of inevitability (or maybe resignation) comes across strong. And then that second strophe just leaves me with sadness. A painful but honest poem,
I am not sure about the use of "recipe." I get the connection between two different kinds of masks but not everyone use a recipe to make a face mask. So, might be too obscure (or maybe it's me lol). You might play on some other comparison between the two masks, maybe something like "in a face mask that's not soothing." Just a thought. :-)
greenmountaineerabout 10 years agoAuthorThank you for your detailed comment, Cleardaynow. That always helps a writer look critically at his work. You may be on to something about the "mask" but I'm going to wait a bit to see if other comments occur before responding. I personally like the comments to serve as a chronology so that I can "workshop" the poem and hopefully make it better, even though I can't edit the original post.
