Changes

Much needs to change about me.
I'm too dependent on others to make me social.
I'm too screwed up in my thinking, I don't see what everyone else does, I see nothing when they see something.
I hold everything too tight, until it suffocates or breaks.
I feel like a failure when I can't help those who try to help me.
I bottle emotion so no one will see it, so no one will know that something is wrong.
I don't tell those who are willing to help me that I need help.
I feel like a burden to all my friends, to those who want to help me.
I can't talk to those I want about things I need too.
I feel like an intrusion when I try to ask for help, not that I can tell them all that I need to.
I don't let people in as much as they want, because I can't and because they won't like what they find.
I don't let on how bad my bad days are.
I don't let anyone know just how screwed up my mind really is.
....
I need to fix all this. I need to. No one wants someone with so many issues. They think they will be able to fix me in a little bit of time, but they won't. It took a long time to make me this way and it will take a long time to fix it. I feel horrible when I have a really bad day and do something stupid. I pull the 'oh well, shit happens', attitude with those who know, but I feel like the biggest failure because even when I go to them I can't always stop myself. I look in the mirror most days and hate what I see. People thing I'm crazy because they see more than I do, and I don't understand how they can see it. I don't know how to fix me; I don't know how to ask for help. There are days when I don't want help, days when I just want to fall over the cliff that resides in my mind and be done with it, but I also know that I can't do that. I'm lost and I have been for a long time, I'm trying to find my way back, but I don't know if it's possible anymore.