Non-Erotic PoetryChanging WorldsPushed from a warm dark nest
into the cold bright air
where peaceful contented rest
gives way to hungered dispair
..Moments pass
Loud cry splits the air.
..
mouth filled with swolen nipple
suck down the milks flow fresh
so begins lives of Kings and Cripples
..Nothing lasts
Quiet breath stills with nary a ripple
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English
#2 THE WORLD CHANGES AS WE SPEAK, READ AND WRITE
cruising thru the universe, spinning for gravity, are we moving forward, backward, up or down, or sideways...THINK,,,,,,TK U MLJ LV NV
That's so much BS
Make it up to you all after I FLUSH the next one
(laughter)
Still fishin' Chip?
Okay, I'll take the bait
The warm/cold dark/bright thing should be painfully obvious
..Seperation was just that... the brief moments between birth and death
also, it pleased me to do it that way... therefore, I am giving something that I ejoyed to the reader, no matter their appreciation...a gift
rhyme ababcb . ababcb ...strange form is it in a thread somewhere?
joins first and second like a link in a chain
..
the first Stanza? deals with hunger, not only of sustenance but knowledge
the second, with feeding that hunger with all the 'pap' that humanity offers
then we are loud as we move through life but quiet leaving it, our 'voice lost in the rumble of man's noise of communication/interaction whatever our station in life.
..
..
Sounds kinda' pretentious now that I look back on itmore...
hey hey, 'tender
good to see you posting, harry; the imagery is clear enough throughout this - definitely no ambiguity here, which is fine for a poem with a straightforward voice such as this.
unless the layout of double-spacing is intentional, i would suggest you type your subs directly into the subs space provided, with notes re other layout preferences such as italics or indentations in the area provided beneath - or, if i remember rightly, it's a matter of C&P from word to subs space so long as your word isn't preset as double-spaced for story writing. i normally post over in the forum first then c&p directly from there and have no issue with the extra spacing. as a reader, the double-spacing distracts without adding anything of merit to the write.
apt enough title, clear sequence of images, nice use of contrasts. i can see you trying for the abab rhyme-scheme, but wonder if it doesn't force you into certain corners when choosing end-rhymes. i also noticed you working with those crafty internal sound-slides - the r's, s', l's and in's especially, though there are more you've crafted into the write. :)
always check typos before posting, and what a lot of us do is to polish first over on the poetry forum before submitting here. and yes, we still miss stuff sometimes but more eyes are better than our own single pair. :)
so, was the double-spacing deliberate? if so, maybe you'd care to explain why you opted for this over on the forum. i find poets discussing the mechanics of their writes really interesting.
Pushed from a warm dark nest
into the cold bright air
where peaceful contented rest
gives way to hungered dispair
..Moments pass
Loud cry splits the air.
..
Pressed to warm soft flesh
mouth filled with swolen nipple
suck down the milks flow fresh
so begins lives of Kings and Cripples
..Nothing lasts
Quiet breath stills with nary a ripplemore...
THIS COULD RELATE TO A BIRTHING
a bird, a baby or a walrus, TK U MLJ LV NV
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