- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Chest Thumping
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Click herePretentions:
There is an old saying
That a very small pond
Can reflect the stars
And looks deeper in the dark
Delusion:
He thought he could displace me
And assume all of my perq's
Then much reduce my stature
to enhance his own position
Contentions:
He has undermined and challenged
too often not to be answered
And pushes much too hard
For what he hasn't earned
Conclusion:
I drained the pond
- COMMENTS
Tsothaabout 10 years agoI like the first stanza and the conclusion. You set the scene to deliver a strong message through subtle words. However, in my humble opinion, it feels like you changed your mind halfway through. The second and third stanzas feel disconnected from the beginning (and also, from the end). For example:
"He thought he could displace me"
Who thought that, the pond? When I reach that point in your poem, I know very little about what is happening. First you described a pond, and the qualities of it (reflects the stars, looks deeper in the dark). I half-expected you to continue the metaphor and link the person to the pond, to complete my understanding of this "pond-person". However, I only really connected the pond with what you were saying in s2 and s3 when I reached the last line ("I drained the pond").
The poem *works* as-is, but I would have enjoyed it far more with a bit more work on telling a complete story using the imagery you set out with (the pond).
Cleardaynowover 10 years agoIt is nice to see a poem that does not immediately fall within the main cycle (but wife's recent lover?).
In any event you have us itching to know more. That itch means that it is a successful poem.
Nice structuring too.
Keep 'em coming.
