- Erotic Poetry
- day dreaming
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Eyes crystal blue,
How I want you
To sample you delicate dish,
Is my firmest wish
Imagining your salty fleshy taste,
Makes my heart skip jump and race
Body a flame craving the heat of yours,
My mind betraying my deepest flaws
Lusting for a sinful delight,
Strip you naked, memorize the sight
In my dreams this can be real,
I can worship your body with sight taste and feel
We can explore each others darkest desires
The heat of our passion igniting fires.
Sampling what each has to give,
remembering each moment as long as I live.
Our lips touch, sparks fly
Fierce passion I exhale with a sigh
Yearning for every inch of you,
Demanding you go further too
Your body presses tight into mine,
Our lips locked your scent devine
The tension in me riving me crazy,
Your intoxicating caressMy thoughts are hazy
My body quivering with need and lust,
All hope of controll turns to dust
All of me tense as steel,
Your body the opposite feel
Every part of you so soft so yielding
My constraints buckled my mind I am wielding
All actions and deeds now bent to please you
Confindent and strong I know what to do
I awaken from my dream state unsatisfied,
For the briefest of moments I cling to the lies
With a rueful sigh and a shake of my head,
I pack up I move on those thoughts never dead
Forever dreams, dreams they shall stay,
I will torture myself with them another day
- COMMENTS
Tsothaalmost 10 years agoI like the idea of this poem, day dreaming. But honestly, not so much the approach. I particularly dislike the rhyming — but then, you know I'm a pain in the ass when it comes to rhymes and such, so don't take me too seriously.
In any case, here is what I'm thinking.
I think you should consider further what exactly you want to convey with this poem. Given the subject, there are several ways this could go.
You could write a poem about someone who is having an awesome dream, who suddenly wakes up and finds out that it wasn't real. In it, you'd try to get the reader excited, only to make him suddenly "wake up", too, the same as the narrator, conveying the feeling of being left unfulfilled.
Alternatively, you could write a poem about being awake, seeing a woman that leads to day dreaming, and waking up when she steps out of sight (maybe, never to be seen again)... In it, you'd try to convey the feeling of longing.
As I said, there are many, many ways "day dreaming" could go. I feel your poem is going at it unfocused on an idea / plan.
Try to reduce what you already have, here. And you do have some good lines. If you come back to this, try to make the whole thing tighter, smaller, work on getting that condensed "one idea" juice out.
