- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Dead End # 2
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The cynical squalor,
Desolation Lane,
tumble-down to
the river's pollution
well-constructed,
well-intended,
possibly well-loved
once
now disillusioned
dark windows stare
down across the dank
midnight asphalt
there's damp rising
in the basement
and body-art is ultimate
here
bloodlines and welts,
not bracelets but
flick-knives like
lightning uncalled-for
a curt reminder
of changing times,
coldly indifferent
and vile.
- COMMENTS
DawnJover 11 years agoI find this to be a frightening description, perhaps of the rotting heart of an inner city. It is very unsettling...which means your images have done their job!
ishtatover 11 years agoI basically agree with Angeline but a couple of minor additional suggestions. Possibly drop "possibly" from second verse. I'd stick to one tense in verse 4 and say, damp rises, rather than "there's damp rising." In the last verse the last couple of lines might have a bit more punch if you dropped the conjunction and threw in a couple of commas - cold, indifferent, vile. But really I'm quibbling - Good effort for 5.
Angelineover 11 years agoIt works as an extended image but also as a larger observation about the effect of disuse and indifference. The only word I'd nitpick is "pollution" simply because the rest of the poem is so metaphoric and this very specific word seems to not quite fit in. But that's just my opinion, and overall I found this to be a wonderful and moving piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it.
