- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Decimation
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Authors Note: Like my other submission under Poetry; this was written with the intention of being a metal song. I'm posting some of these here to get more feedback on them and would love to hear suggestions. Rate, comment, send feedback, or favorite: choose one or do all of them, either way they're appreciated. Now, enjoy...
Killers filed under acts of defence
This pretence has got to stop
You're slipping through the cracks
Of a mind once whole but now is broken
Decimation. Discrimination. Liars rule the nation
Indecision. Lost in a vision. Haunted by decision.
Through the smoke we will rise
To see past the fire in their lies
Built up my hopes only to see them fall
Down from the skies to break this wall
In their hands I see their regret
But there's no forgiveness
Molesters kept hidden after release
This disease has to be stopped
Madness seeps in through the cracks
Of your mind now just a hollow shell
In so many years nothing's different
We're still filled with all of the sorrow and hate
And the peasants still cater to the will of the leader
Centuries may have passed but we're still trapped by the past:
By the weight of our fucking lies
- COMMENTS
Trixareforkidsalmost 10 years agoI agree with Magnetron on everything he said. I'd add to that...
L9 change "only to see" to "just to watch" says that you knew hope was futile.
Also, help me out, I don't get the "in their hands" line. What is supposed to be in their hands that I'm missing?
Next, I'd change the line after madness to "of your open hollow mind"
The last section I'd change to:
Only the long years change
Filled with all the sorrow and hate
Peasants still cater to master's will
Dates change but we're still trapped in the past
By the weight of our fucking lies.
With lyrics cut as many unnecessary words as possible. You want people to be able to sing/shout it with you. Make that easier for them.
Like Magnetron said it still needs more oomph to fit the title. This is oppression not decimation. Love to hear it if you ever record it.
Magnetronalmost 10 years agoThe lyrics just do not do the title any justice or vice versa. Decimation implies total fuckin annihilation. The lyrics instead speak of peasants under dishonest rulers 'enduring a long term suffering'.
'Decimation' could refer to how the rulers came into power by completely obliterating an established system of democracy, but ...... the lyrics don't go back that far.
Lines 13 and 14 are way too vague as to who the molesters were and why and how they were kept hidden after said release.
Switch smoke and fire. Think trial by fire and seeing lies beyond the smoke as in the smoke-screen of a magician's misdirection as he performs an illusion.
Keep at it. Make this motherfucker worthy of the title. If you can't, save the title for something else truly devastating.
