- Erotic Poetry
- Entwined...
Note: You can change font size, font face, and turn on dark mode by clicking the "A" icon tab in the Story Info Box.
You can temporarily switch back to a Classic Literotica® experience during our ongoing public Beta testing. Please consider leaving feedback on issues you experience or suggest improvements.
Click here
Entwined in desire
Entwined in love
Our bodies joined together
Our lips kissing passionately as one.
Let me guide you,
Into my quivering softness
Holding you tightly inside of me,
As you fill me up with your hardness.
My passion for you
Is building ever hotter
Our fevered rhythms moving faster,
Bringing the two of us closer to ecstasy.
One last time you move your body tightly up against mine,
Sending us up and over into our final release of passion.
Entwined in desire,
Entwined in love,
Our bodies gently parting,
Our lips softly sighing.
She resides in his storm
Tasting the rain in his eyes
Feeling the lightning in his hands
Falling in the thunder of his kiss
Her hair flows in the fierce wind
Swirling in pleasurable crash Colliding/gliding in gray clouds of his thoughts
Shuddering/fluttering in his romantic darkness
Shivering/glimmering in the nature of his love
- COMMENTS
beautyandwineover 17 years ago"She resides in his storm
Tasting the rain in his eyes
Feeling the lightning in his hands
Falling in the thunder of his kiss"
I like where you started with this metaphor, although I'm not certain where you were going with your word choice(s) in the last few lines - I felt it weakened the piece rather than added to it.
LeBrozover 17 years agoNicely done but the thing that weakens are the gerunds;
Gerunds are so passive and in an erotic piece you want active, denotes passion.
A sample suggestion from what you wrote:
"Our bodies gently parting,
Our lips softly sighing.
She resides in his storm
Tasting the rain in his eyes
Feeling the lightning in his hands
Falling in the thunder of his kiss
Her hair flows in the fierce wind"
And one possible edit:
"Our bodies gently part,
Our lips softly sigh.
She resides in his storm,
Tastes the rain in his eyes
Feels the lightning in his hands
Falls to the thunder of his kiss
Her hair flows in the fierce wind"
And all I've done here is get the other lines to match that one line as you wrote it; the whole is now much more active and filled with passion, don't you think?
