- Erotic Poetry
- Ex Gratis
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Click hereEx Gratis
Come alone with me
To the garden of earthly
Delights; where our desire
Breaks as a tidal wave
On the saline sheets
Where your white river
Over flows and my ship
Sinks and only you could
Save me; as the heart
Passes through a dark
Tunnel like a shipwreck
To die still and not later
Searching without answer
Ethereal perfume
Refuge and beginning
In the vertical howling
Response to my wondering
- COMMENTS
twelveooneabout 13 years agoBilly B. three comments all on the same person, that raises an eye. "Saline sheets" is nice. The rest of it looks pretty much stock, some overreaching "Ethereal perfume". In the greater context of things this is a killer line
"Response to my wondering"
I gave you a 5, don't take it too serious.
WilliamButlerYeatsabout 13 years agoI'm a fan of short lines as long as it doesn't sound choppy. This poem would benefit from the ten plus syllabic line. 'earthly paradise' is a little dated, but it's a good poem nonetheless.
buttersabout 13 years agoi'm not sure this benefits from the capital letters starting each line; your word-placing and line-breaks define those starter words well enough imo. :) you don't need a sledgehammer to crack a nut.
buttersabout 13 years agoits layout breaks and slows the read, making me take my time over each image. also, your sound-work feels more solidly connected so, whilst i am made to take my time reading, the sound also carries me on to the next phrasing.
i do have small reservations towards its end, though:
To die still and not later
Searching without answer
Ethereal perfume
Refuge and beginning
In the vertical howling
Response to my wondering
it feels a more natural end to the piece with 'to die, still' but i get that you want to include the searching thing. i would suggest that you could end this with 'to die, still, in the vertical howling' and scrap the rest as unnecessary, making an ending with punch: your 'in the vertical howling' is very very strong!
