- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Final Hearing
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They lived too long in Legoland
with his and her bathroom sinks
amid protruding chemicals,
pretending to smell like peppermint,
but unbrushed teeth started to bite
his and her whiskey lips once soda sweet
on a king size bed as cold as ice
where now she makes love with Mr. Beam
and stares at a globe whose snow is dead
six months to the day since June seventeenth
while he in his one room studio
eats what would sicken a cockroach,
lights a second one from the first,
and downs a bottle of Rémy Martin
between remember's sunset and sunrise
until 9 o'clock tomorrow.
(Edited version from the "Five Senses Challenge"
in "Poetry Feedback and Discussion.")
- COMMENTS
todski28over 10 years agoanything that hasn't already been said, but appreciate your ability to conjure emotion and mood from words.
your first line is magnificent, conjures exactly the right type of emotion to start the piece
Ashesh9over 10 years agoDead ( dyin'? ) love affair ! Wistfully poignant :5-ed.
Oldbear63over 10 years agoThe poem captured the lonliness and destructiveness of a romance gone bad
and says something - like all your work. I liked the original oral sex/Jim Beam reference best.
twelveooneover 10 years agoas long as you know i wasn't dissin you, and I know this is cynical of me, but the audience (some) do love the cliche, (it gives them something to hold on to) so sometimes it isn't a bad tool esp if it leads to something else, and damn I glad I caught the first one - that is something you rarely see, made more difficult by the fact it wasn't there. (I love those WTF moments)
greenmountaineerover 10 years agoAuthorYou probably know I'm a compulsive editor with my poems. My "yes but" to your 2nd comment is I like the contrast between oral sex which some find distasteful(pun intended) that once was performed in the context of love and the taste of Jim Beam whiskey which is supposed to be "smooth" but now is filled with bitterness. I think that works better than "cold as ice." Your comments almost always help me write better. I appreciate them.
