- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Finality
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Halfway the sultry afternoon the wind
turned on its axis. It took on a shy,
new aspect, changed from hot to cool and grew
less strong. The dancing rustle of the leaves
died down, and suddenly there was a lull
in conversation and in birdsong, life
suspended: that short moment etched in time
when even the bright light is quiet, when
the temperature is not yet chilly and
there's slow waves prancing on the bay, a path
of shimmers running to the hazy sun,
and laughter solemnized to smiles, a bit
regretful, somewhat sad – only too soon
perfection's fire will burn out and leave
dry ashes on our tongues, and hearts that grieve.
- COMMENTS
twelveooneabout 11 years agohasn't changed
nor my cynical outlook
good marketing of the banal to the banal crowd
DawnJover 11 years ago...that such a "poor, weak" thing as this poem has been deemed to be should manage to garner an 'H' while still new. Trust the ratings -- this is good writing! They speak from the heart of the rater, and you know what they say..."out of the fullness of the heart the mouth speaketh." Or in this case, the finger clicketh! :)
tazz317over 11 years agothe fauna is the 1st to be aware of the shifting winds, TK U MLJ LV NV
Desejoover 11 years agoWhile I agree with 1201 that this could be stronger with the adjectives toned down, I like concept of this and I particularly like the way you have done the line breaks between stanzas. I would change the "there's" in the fourth stanza but that may just be a personal aversion to that contraction. You could eliminate it if it doesn't mess up the structure. Overall, very nice.
twelveooneover 11 years agoback it off, this looks like a poets walk through, or jog
sultry afternoon
dancing rustle of the leaves
perfection's fire
dry ashes?
hearts that grieve
looks like creative writing 101itis
advise chose adjectives very carefully, i.e. sultry and dry add what?
p.s. leave some comments on others, good way to learn what kills
