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Click hereA little bashful at the perfect sight
of dark-haired femininity that smiles
its way into my vision like a ray
of sunlight mocking the October clouds
I gaze upon a younger dream come true
if only for a moment. Stowed inside
my silent heart a song still half unsung
will softly sound when someone plucks the strings
and – all too brief – the very daylight sings.
"I gaze upon a younger dream come true
if only for a moment "
in particular:
mocking the October clouds
this might be better if s's where spread out more:
Stowed inside
my silent heart a song still half unsung
will softly sound
5ed of course
You have a light delicate touch with rhyme that I think works really well for you. Think you need a period after "clouds" and even though the poem is short it might benefit from a line of space between "clouds" and "I gaze... ." Just my opinion, of course, but I think that extra pause would work well there. Thanks for the read!