- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Girlfriend
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a reunion photo
Nikki kissing your cheek
she always was so touchy with you
soft nostalgia
obliterated in a Facebook line
by that thieving hussy
“hey, that’s my boyfriend”
Oh, I think not,
Bitch.
I think not.
- COMMENTS
lorencinoalmost 13 years agoI think chipbutty makes a good point in suggesting you get rid of those lines that weaken the impact of your poem. I think the intense emotions surrounding unwelcome love triangles come through with greater impact in the sparser lines. It moves it from an almost disinterested chatter to a pounding statement. The extra lines dull the sharpness of the arrowhead that the word “bitch” encapsulates. Ending on “bitch” is like ending with the thwack of the arrow penetrating the breast of the writer’s rival.
buttersalmost 13 years agoperhaps it's the shallowness of the facebookishness (admittedly suited to the write) but this one lacks the depths your others hold for me. maybe it'll grow on me....
i actually do like the sonics of:
soft nostalgia
obliterated in a Facebook line
seems to me this could afford to lose lines 3, 6, and 10 and not lose any meaning.
a reunion photo
Nikki kissing your cheek
soft nostalgia
obliterated in a Facebook line
“hey, that’s my boyfriend”
Oh, I think not,
Bitch.
