Give

It seems ironic how I had doubts.
How I always wanted to trust you… and did.
Yet always felt a nagging sense of uncertainty.

The uncertainty came when your words differed slightly.
The nagging was prolonged by your actions.
Actions that contradicted the very words you spoke.

Did you ever know that what you don’t do is as ‘telling’ as what you do choose to do?
Did you ever see that when you held things in you were doing damage to my heart?
Do you know now, how the very things you so casually neglected to do, have been for me the most difficult part?

Funny how you have taken for granted so much that you refused to give.
Maybe you never realized the implications of using the word ‘friend’.

And when I told you that I loved you and asked for your heart in kind…
That I truly believed you were special that your spirit was kindred with mine.

You’ve denied me any answers.
You can’t be bothered with thoughts…with mental rewinding of our conversations and the emotions contained in them all.

Perhaps you were always leaving because I was ‘on to’ you.
Or maybe you couldn’t start seeing that there was a ‘me’ involved in this and not just a ‘you’.

I thought that by sharing with honesty then maybe our lives could be free.

Maybe we could learn to be giving, loving, patient and kind.
Knowing we need not feel pressured to always be of a like-mind.
There is a lot more to love than just words.
Actually words matter little at all.

Things that most matter in loving are the things that we see. Not the mere pleasantries we hear amongst it all.
The things that seem important to do for the people we hold most dear.
Those are the things that stay with us through all of our many years.

To not leave questions unanswered or walk away from a fight.
To know there is always a hand to reach out and hold yours on scared or lonely nights…

Did you know when you think you are winning and pulling the wool over someone else’s eyes…
It’s the person who lives in disguises that loses here in this life.

Maybe you cannot relate … it may never have happened to you.
But imagine you put all your faith into someone while they had no time or inclination to ever even offer respect to you.

At this point I am glad that it’s over.
Though the questions are still in my head.
With each new day it’s getting easier to ignore them… and the reminders do not fill me with dread.

6-14-02
Jenny S.