Guilt

I start to wonder, but where that leads me
I am afraid i should not reveal
An unorderly amount of inappropriate,
Raunchy sex appeal.
Something for some reason, i don't want to admit to myself
I'm drawn to dark forbidden places
That surround me with such guilt
I think about that day
When he rested his hands on me
And explored my secret places
I analyze the impact these actions had on thee
And how once again, left me feeling so empty.
Quite the opposite message I wanted to send
I was hoping to gain some approval and reassurance once again
The same type of reassurance I received in class
When I tried to so hard, participating, kissing ass
Everyday is a battle, how far will I go to keep myself from joy,
How much longer will I lie
To myself
And rationalize a doable alright life
My curiosity is strong
But a shameful conscious tells me of course I must not go on
Stay in your ordinary life
Stay with those you know
You wouldn't want to hurt those you love
Just because your curious to go
To go and test out different options
To live all these different lives you have always dreamed of
No of course not, that would make me terribly selfish
And my father would have been so disappointed
So why not do what I am so used to
Return to repress what desires come my way
and write them off as if they were nothing
But how can they possibly be as important as the heart beating within your body
The young boy behind those eyes who just wants to be respected,loved and never abandoned again.