Hydrogen

Crimson embers burn and the glowing reputation that precedes her
glistens through the glass on my approach and
suddenly I knew who I was looking at and holy sweet goddamn where, oh where
have they been hiding her and oh,
I don’t remember when or where or how but I think I was supposed to watch for her but still, she
can’t be real, can’t be,
don’t fall, I recite inside
to keep my loosening grip on reason but
for all her beauty and mystery there’s just no way she could be so real, so stable, so present,
just like the hydrogen
that I heard she was
that I hope she is
that she wanted to be

A hundred thousand love songs begin to play when her pink lips part and I need more, more
Only heard the name of the secret legend and had forgotten our connection and
then it all rushed back and while devoured me alive in her grasp and I could not tear my eyes away
My biggest mistake lies in thinking I could see my own eyes
within hers, under the pain, and though I wanted to reach out and touch her I
knew my hand would pass right through her but for the first time I
didn’t want to be right, no, not this time

In every inch of all things baryonic I had never
Seen anything so beautiful and when I walked away I had to blink away the image she seared into my cells for the reflecting was blinding and
I found my hands digging for my phone to tell my love at home that
I just saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and that
Her eyes defined turquoise and that I knew they looked upon and loved another and
most likely many others but that
was okay I wished not to possess her but
By her hand I drank the complicated compounded poison she prepared and
though only bleeding varacies were left in the place where my
Throat once was it still tasted so good, she already knew my favorite flavor that
Would bring about the prey in me and
I was silent but she knew, knew already that
It was time for her hunt and that I would believe she wanted to eat

I smelled the smoke and saw the fire but the
Hottest flames are blue and
It burned, so hot and I
But I could not halt the rushing wave of the thought of a
plastic cock emerging from a white coat blonde pony tail winding curves with a voice that like her majestic body bends time and space
crushing them me pinned to the wall without my permission that meant nothing to her anyway but I still
didn’t need didn’t care to be her only one, no

and I hoped she had the courage
knew she had the strength, the power to fuck me, where I stood without regard for care or consequence, how I thought she’d

Take me against the wall until the friction led to blood behind me
so strong so tall I could not fight her and as I tried and tried
To escape her grip it became that much angrier and tighter and submitted lost in her
she pounded me against the wall in the basement late at night with her powerful
assaulting hands under my ass between my legs she drives it home and
for all the instability and artificiality she
was still the hydrogen

inside me but to breathe her breath purely takes mine away but
look at me now I don’t care about him, her, tomorrow, next year, the fall, the promises, the
lies the smoke, the mirrors, the mistakes, misunderstandings, any fucking thing, no, just

Keep those strong arms so trained in agility and power holding my thighs around your waist high off the ground without apology I didn’t need your emotion heart or sympathy even in trace amounts, just
Keep your loves and life as you like and ill keep mine but won’t you
fuck me, fuck me, fuck me because
I lied for you and I’ll do it any time because
I hate taboos and hypocrites and outdated creeds and refusal to progress
you are none of that you are everything
you do as you please and I commend you
heroin you are for me
my elemental and abundant life-blood mother
my hydrogen

I knew the house was burning before I entered
Knew the body was dead before I pronounced it
as it were, just
Like I knew the sun would come up once more tomorrow and like
the Nuclear fusion she embodied how it would so easily turn me to ashy dust and that I may pay dearly to chase
The cute little well hidden girlboy I could see in her core underneath all that femininity,
Like blinding burning searing hydrogen, how I fucking hoped
She was both stable and abundant but instead she left me only helium to find and it
Lifted me away to a place I hoped wasn’t there but always knew
I might find anyway

I don’t care about emotion, lies and
Pride and status and money and games and ego and consequence because
What good are the particles without the bonds, still I wanted to borrow her with the permission of all,
I wanted to love the little boy that played with basketballs and test tubes and maybe show
Her another time and place and let her genius cover me and drip everywhere I thought
She was real I thought there was a person, a little boy, a hope and a love who
Had a soul that needed to be found but I was wrong, so dead wrong but it is the nature of life that
You push red chips to the center of the table and the number is black, baby so
after all
live and let live to you and those who love you because I am a learned observer of the transcience of life and it’s happiness and hydrogen that you need,
and it’s okay that for you it’s not me

I hear the whisper of dark energy, waves i thought she made and wanted
Amidst her power and her brilliance and the things about herself she takes for
granted and I wanted to find a heart underneath all the final calculations but
she burns not for me and that’s okay, I’ve but
I would have always been her hydrogen

tell me why would one who did not already had them
still reach to rip the wings off a butterfly
When you know I would have opened my hand and let
you flutter and go, but maybe when
You love something its best never to know