I Mean to Say

I do not seek obfuscation as comfort, any longer.
I want to feel clearly my intent and hear what my heart will tell me
if only I could listen, undistracted.
I mean to say, I do not want to be duplicitous anymore.

I cannot say if I love you still, or if it is unhealthy urges burning
to reanimate an empty shell of something long dead.
I have longed to possess you, you see.

So when you come a knockin' again
I'm not angry or glad.
flattered a little, mostly sad
with even a bit of dread thrown in
like tired spice,
because
neither of us know how to say no
and mean it, or keep to it very long.
there's a lot of history and fun,
and damage is enjoyable
when spun to a sweetly familiar melody.

I know that I do not want to limp along
to what feels untrue, this dance.
It's so easy to confuse what is essential
with what
things pretend to be, albeit aspiringly.
But you are not bad, and never have been.
just a little selfish, even as I am,
when with you.
I feel entrapped, so I lash out
especially when I've taken to drink.
I have been sweet on you, for so long
and felt powerless because of it
so sometimes I get angry.

I've loved you for a very long time,
obsessively, unkindly.
and without compassion.

I'd like to set you free, of my own accord.
if only just to be free myself of this
handfasting.
the cord that binds you to me, also binds me to you.

I'd like to think it's all indigenous
this urge for health.
But for the first time in a long time, I'm hearing a different melody than my own
that's uncannily the same
that I like, that I want to flow with.
not to march to, or to lose myself in, but simply walk with.

Doors close, windows open
every loss is accompanied by gain, but not really...
but vacuum likes to be filled.
It isn't to say such casual things only
because it's pretty sounding.

this has been inside me a very long time.
and now I am merely being sincere.

And actually, maybe, I am loving you more this way.