I Woke Up Alone Again Today

I woke up alone again today

The alarm went off …,
again …. like every morning,
I hit the off button, chest tightening.
The feeling of hopelessness returns.
Don’t feel like moving, eyes closed,
Stomach churning, breath shallow.
Sighing, I swing my legs over the side of the bed,
Sitting I stare at the wall,
Thinking of the things I have to do today, same things,
Everyday, never changing, sighing ….

I woke up alone again today ….

I close my eyes, remembering
Remembering the mornings
Reaching around, cupping your breast, pulling you tight
Breathing in the scent of your hair
Your nipples hardening
Arching your back and pressing against me, pressing back,
Not wanting to leave your side, missing you each day,
Hurrying to get home… sighing… remembering the mornings

I woke up alone again today

I stand and move to the closet, swing open the door,
pull a shirt off a hanger…something falls.
Looking to the floor I see a small box, my chest tightens,
heart pumping faster… recognition…pain…anger.
I pick up the box, sit on the edge of the bed, muscles tight,
teeth clenched, I stare at the box.
Small, insignificant, velvet coated, hinges on the back, a
small clasp in the front.
Breath shallow, palms sweaty, I open the box.
Sparkling, twinkling in the morning light, not phased by
feelings, I stare, numb, no tears, there are none left.
I close the box, put it in my pocket, a gift never given, an anniversary
never shared…

I woke up alone again today

I climb in the car,
head to a job I no longer want,
supporting a life I no longer care about.
I find myself driving toward her place instead
Driving slowly up the lane, peaceful, quiet,
The grass sparkling with morning dew,
the trees slightly moving in the morning breeze.
I stop just down the lane from where she now stays.
I wait, anxious, insecure, heart racing, not sure of my next move.
I open the car door and step out onto the grass.
It seems so green in the morning sun, the water beading on my shoes.
I stare at the beads for a moment, then begin to slowly move.
Moving closer to a confrontation, a confrontation put off for so long.
Standing in front of her place I stare down at the ground,
At my feet, bronze, rectangular, the grass neatly mowed, fresh flowers
I stare, Daughter, Sister, Mother, Loving Wife, the letters glare back at me
Branding my eyes.
Taking the box out of my pocket, I place it near the words, a gift given too late.
I sit at the base of a nearby tree and begin to speak ….

I woke up alone again today