Impasse

To hold my child tonight whether laughing or crying
To nestle the slight
     body in my arms, lying
There on the couch while he lays on my belly
To feel his soft touch
     to know that he’s really
Happy and warm, satisfied and fed
To keep him from harm
Put him to bed.

Changing his diaper, time for a feeding
Oil his soft bottom
     know that he’s needing me to be there
To hold him and soothe him
     feel the soft hair and gently to stroke him
Hear him crying while teething
Rocking him slowly
See his face when he’s seething with emotions that only
A baby can know, small, helpless confused
     feel the piss flow
And drip on my shoes.

Watching him sleep
     there in the crib.  To see the food creep
From mouth, chin, bib
Watching him crawl
Watching him learn, missing it all
     I feel like I burn continually inside
Always missing my child
Gladly swallow my pride to hold him a while.

But the distance’s too long
     no way to get there
No righting the wrongs or rocking his chair
     or wiping his chin
     or changing his clothes
     or seeing him grin
Or holding him close.  Sometimes I could die
From the hole that’s inside
Kept apart from him
     by something not pride
     but a lack of ability
To live with my wife, but
I’d give everything
     to see him grow into his life.