In memory of Naomi

**Note: Confession, unedited. Long entry**

* * *

They don't understand.
Everyone looks at me and they hate and they pity
and they ignore
but I went to bed one night a little girl
and woke up a wife
with the doctor telling me
"I'm sorry but your son didn't make it."
Woke up with three sons and a daughter
and my husband was never home
and I didn't know anyone here
and I was afraid.
He'd come home and smell of whiskey
and tell me I was crazy to talk to myself
but he didn't understand
there was no one else to talk to
and when he hit me I didn't say anything
to him
anymore
I just saved it inside and the sounds I
should make echoed around and around again
got so loud that I though everyone could hear
My sons left my daughter moved away with her dad
and I was lonely and sometimes the echoes would
return like some kind of flashback

I got the house but I lost the children
and I still don't know anyone here
One day men came to talk to me and said "Naomi, you need to rest" and I was so tired I agreed
and they took me to a bed and paralyzed me with
Thorazine and Haldol and my loving children
were ashamed
to tell anyone who their mother was
and I couldn't move
to tell anyone to leave me alone.
I got to go home and I thought I'd never listen
to echoes again because I hated that place
and if I ignored them they wouldn't be there
But weeks later my son called and I tried to
tell him that someone hd to be controlling me
somehow
because I'm not crazy dammit
but I do these crazy things
He said I needed help
and the men came again
and asked me if I really believed
and I said I didn't know what was going on
but sometimes I would hear echoes and not
be sure of anything but their voices
and they seemed to grow everyday
Someone must want to force me back into bed
make me BE QUIET NAOMI and they were doing
crazy things I didn't remember
because they know how much I hate that place.

New label paranoid schizophrenic
new drug Lithium
and I wake up crying because I miss my kids
my husband my life
the little mother's day cards
all gone
and I couldn't understand why I kept waking up in
strange places
strange new roles and why I should wake up
crazy person
I understood once I think
This time I went home later and the pills
they sent were more awful
I quit taking them
and a new voice came from inside
because she knew I was lonely
told me to ignore it all
but the crazy person's here again
when voices get loud
and the men said I hurt someone
and this time there were handcuffs
when I woke up.