- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Indigo Rain
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Click hereFar off from woven pathways,
mind gathers its withering voice
in the oncoming rains,
amidst the maze of delusion
and stands above the breach.
An overpass where the heart
is a sense of an aroma
or a pleasured touch
knowing every watery grave
of sophic static harmonizing
the sounds of dolphins.
A child walks barefoot through indigo winds
for sanctuary from morrigan thunder
as its bough breaks the sky
crossing the rubicon seal.
Rising images of a
coral kingdom manifest
from sheltered hues.
Such a water-course uncertain in
ambient auric waves,
yet, swollen tides separate its heavens
for this child holding sapphire serpents
and survival combines its mortal spark
to renew the colors of blue..
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- COMMENTS
jthserraover 18 years agoin today's New Poem Review: http://www.literotica.com:81/forum/showthread.php?t=254157&page=38&pp=25
jim : )
jthserraover 18 years agothere is a very good poem somewhere in here, but I seemed to get buried in all the modifiers. There are so many images and descriptives floating around here that some really good phrases and scenes simply get lost in the jumble.
For instance:
"An overpass where the heart
is a sense of an aroma
or a pleasured touch
knowing every watery grave
of sophic static harmonizing
the sounds of dolphins."
I liked the harmonizing of dolphins, but the beauty of that image got lost with the "...overpass, where the heart is a sense of an aroma or a pleasured touch..."
If the line is simplified:
"The heart senses an aroma,
a pleasured touch
knowing each watery grave
in the sophic harmony of dolphins."
While this may divert from your meaning here, I think the simplification can stregthen the images in the poem. If you can trim the excess adjectives, while maintaining your original message, this poem can really shine.
The watery metaphor carries through the poem fairly nicely, this can be enhanced with this type of simplification. Give it a try and see how it reads to you.
jim : )
sackover 18 years agoThis could profit from being written in a clearer way, with less words and ambiguity. Life isn't permanently foggy, the sun needs to come through once in a while! The third stanza is too clever for its own good, and while Webster would be delighted, the vocabulary is too recondite for the average person to understand, limiting this poems appeal.
TheRainManover 18 years agoI like much of what you write, but this seems so very adjective-heavy that it can't go anywhere or say too much. I'm not big on the mystical, but I think that a poem that is intent only on painting nice images has a hard time speaking, a hard time being anything but misty. That's just me, though.
LeBrozover 18 years agoEnjoyed the sight that here unfolds
And the unique way you combine word and thought;
Not to be read by a lazy mind ~
Quick - check the dictionary,
Better to be sure and not assume.
Now I'm truly awake.
