Intimacy

Intimacy

Pronunciation: 'in-t&-m&-sE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -cies
1 : the state of being intimate : FAMILIARITY
2 : something of a personal or private nature

It was another argument that broke out.
Why can't I open up you said.
Big freakin' deal I reply.
What's the big deal about letting one in huh?
They say its intimacy to open up, that its surrendering yourself.
Surrender? Intimacy?
To give up possession of myself to you?
Why the hell should I open myself up to you?
Why? So I can be reminded of the mistakes I made when you get angry?
Thanks but no thanks.
Why do you want to be close anyway?
I have problems being close to me. Why would you want to?
I don’t talk. I can't talk. I don't like to talk sometimes.
I like the silence of my world. I like to sometimes stay in my thoughts.
Sometimes.
I had walked away from you and am now arguing with the wall.
You wouldn't understand.
You wouldn't understand what's going on in my head.
You don't know what its like to be afraid.
To really be afraid.
You don't know what its like to have all this...these thoughts swirling in your head
And not be able to say anything.
Yeah that's why I write.
Yeah that's why I keep it inside.
I don't know how to say it.
No, its not easy to speak up.
No, its not something that I can do.
Yeah I know I need to let you in.

I let out a sigh, and wipe the tears from my eyes.
I put up so many boundaries around myself; all self-defense mechanisms.
I push everyone away and in the process hurt them beyond what I intended.
I can't remember the last person whose made it near the center. Maybe it has never happened, but would i be willing to let anyone step inside?
I swore long ago not to let anyone close to me again. I will not be beaten again; at least not mentally.
There have been times when I've felt the world collapse in on me but I did whatever was necessary to survive.
This means though building more walls, most all with those that are close to me.
I've used these walls before and have hated myeslf for causing people so much pain.
Then again though I've always been able to hide what's really going on.
Been able to fool mostly everyone as to what lies beneath the surface.