Invisible Words

I lay beside you as you sleep knowing the words that I say to you cannot be heard by you. It makes it easier to say them to you this way. I watch your perfect features as you sleep and as you turn and whimper I wonder what you are dreaming about and where you are so far away in dream. I whisper "I love you" to you and you reach for me somewhere as you dream I wonder if it is me you are reaching for or if it is a ghost of someone else you are reaching for... I whisper "I cant believe how beautiful you are and that you picked me" I smile and move a strand of hair from your face. You push my hand away and I frown knowing it is not me you reach for in sleep and that there is no room for me in your heart. It hurts as this time I gave my whole heart to you and shared everything of my self with you no secrets nothing hidden.

Just me open and vulnerable I whisper "I wish you could love me just a little". You turn over in bed and I lay down thinking about us and how we met. What started out as a dream what seemed too good to be true was just that too good to be true. I knew it would not last forever nothing ever dose but we all still keep trying like fools. My head begins to hurt but I still cannot sleep by now it is 6:00am in the morning the bright green light of the alarm clock tells me. The black numbers seem to mock me as if they know im in pain and seem to make it harder.

I sleep and have nightmares about you they wake me at exactly 11:34pm as a scream comes from my lips. I sit and cry for what seems to be forever I look at the clock and it is now 1:40pm. Time to get ready for work and paste a fake smile on my lips pretend that im happy as sugary words drip from my lips to those who come to the store. As I work you plague my thoughts and I begin to frown it is now 7:00pm. Time to finish my chores so I can clock out and go back to the house a place I once called home is no longer a home. Just a house a place where I reside for the moment.

I finish my chores and I still have 5 minutes till 8:00pm I stand there watching the seconds tick by. I realize they are seconds of my life trickling through the hourglass of time. I clock out and there you are waiting in the car for me. A smile on your face one I know is as fake as the one I wear to work. Invisible words linger on my lips as we settle down for bed and I feel alone. I dream of how we were when we first met, the happy times we had, visions of you kissing me showing me off to your friends. You smiling and laughing playing in a mirror for me to watch as I stand before it. Then as I watch the mirror begins to crack and it shatters bits of mirror fall in slow motion it seems before me and all my dreams of us shatter with it.

I drop to my knees and begin to frantically pick up the pieces but there are just so many I cant hold them all and they fall to the ground as I fall to the ground. I curl up to a small ball and begin crying choking on my own tears I can barely manage to swallow. My eyes seem to have minds of their own because I cant make the tears stop no matter how hard I try. I wake up from my dream tears dried to my face and more falling from my eyes only to repeat the day before over again. Slowly I begin to die inside as you tell me "I care about you but I just don't love you... I think we should separate."

My heart swells and I feel the last part of me die the one that still had hope. The last part of me reaches for you and it is swatted down like a fly... Now I am alone its dark and I am ready to die and rot in piece with no pain and no shame in giving up. Just finally rest with no dreams just utter blackness but I push on I wake up when I have no reason to I get out of bed when I have no reason to and go on when I have no reason to. Everything is gray again like it was before we met a gray world a gray life and I the grayest thing in these things a gray girl with gray emotions.