- Erotic Poetry
- It Will Always Ache
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I could miss your body beneath mine
As you press up against our edges,
Abandoning all those shielding linens,
Until lines between us are blurred
In the darkness while tortured flesh unites.
I could miss our solitary beings converging
Into a single heart-rending cadence:
The beauty of this sonority will echo
Forever into a well-spring of emotion,
Fed by the bloody fountain of your offer.
I could miss the plunge and the thrust;
The impalement and the making you scream,
As you arch enterprisingly up to find
A forever place carved through your insides;
But I can never feel how it will always ache.
- COMMENTS
vrosej10about 13 years agoNice repetition and it seems to me to be some kind of form poem (not my area of expertise). It could to be a little less abstract though and possibly edited a little more agressively.
GuiltyPleasureabout 13 years ago......they said! Didn't see the other version but it's hard to believe it's better than this. I agree with Ange about "enterprisingly", it seems oddly out of place and distracts while the mind tries to visualize the motion. Apart from that - a fiver.
Tess
Liarabout 13 years agoVersion 2? Or is this version 1?
This one is better than the other. You trimmed some phrases and the poem flows a bit better here, and you twisted the ending to a more poetically satisfying solution. Well done.
Angelineabout 13 years agoIs this a form? Not sure which if it is, but it has a nice tight construction and a lot of "sound" (or to use your word, "sonority") that brings it to life. To me, "enterprisingly" doesn't work with the rest of the poem: it doesn't fit with the sensual almost violent imagery of the rest of the piece. And I'm not sure I know what you mean by "bloody fountain of your offering," but that kind of ambiguity is not necessarily a problem in a poem, may be my problem reading it.
LadyGenevieveabout 13 years agoso exquisitely narrated, this poem is a feast for the psyche.
