- Non-Erotic Poetry
- It's Friday Night For All Of Us
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LEMONIA (F)LEAP EDELTRAUD => BIG SOUTH WEATHER no.3 => RENAULT MEGANE
HILLSIDE
FRIDAY
15/3/2013
IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT FOR ALL OF US
Perhaps this nothing that I've got,
Is everything that I deserve,
In vicious circles to be caught,
Sometimes even to lose my nerve.
I watch the candidate full moon,
From my hillside's lonely home,
Three-four days old, not setting soon,
I still don't know where love comes from.
This love I feel comes from within,
I wish you happy where you are,
Maybe I'm not so pure and clean,
How could I be, my distant star?
Just let me love you from afar,
And never ask the "how and why",
I wish you happy where you are,
I cannot walk but I can fly.
It's Friday night for all of us,
Just cause I'm sad, why should you be?
You're still so young, my lovely lass!
From grief of love you must feel free.
- COMMENTS
buttersalmost 10 years agohi, pelegrino :)
a sweetly wistful, old-romantic tone to this piece that does feel as if it's quite musical in nature.
Since you're using punctuation, it might be tightened up - for example, there are places a semi-colon would be better, and places you can drop the commas altogether, allowing the line-break to serve for that small pause a comma would lengthen too much.
so, where you have this kind of layout:
Perhaps this nothing that I've got,
Is everything that I deserve,
In vicious circles to be caught,
Sometimes even to lose my nerve.
I watch the candidate full moon,
From my hillside's lonely home,
Three-four days old, not setting soon,
I still don't know where love comes from.
if you altered the punctuation to this, i feel it would benefit the write:
Perhaps this nothing that I've got
Is everything that I deserve;
In vicious circles to be caught,
Sometimes even to lose my nerve.
I watch the candidate full moon
From my hillside's lonely home;
Three-four days old, not setting soon,
I still don't know where love comes from.
Interesting choice of word with 'candidate'; what was your specific reasoning, pelegrino? I'm hearing 'candy' and 'date', so link the moon with a sweet date, and even 'candid date' reflecting a sense of honesty in the thoughts being expressed by the N; i'd like to know if there's a particular reason behind 'candidate' as its inherent meaning? it fascinates me as a choice :D
