- Non-Erotic Poetry
- It's Getting Colder
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I thought it was snow,
but it turned out to be those fluffy white things
from cottonwood or dandelions;
I'm not sure which.
I just know it wasn't snow;
the concrete's still dry
and not sleety slick.
The leaves are still holding to the trees
so I think it's still summer,
but it feels like fall;
though the crops are swaying, golden
and you're still here
and I, like the leaves,
am still hanging on.
- COMMENTS
LeBrozover 16 years agoThe comment from Eve got me to thinking that perhaps combining L5 & 6 would also help in the flow, to read, instead,<br>
I just know the concrete's still dry
twelveooneover 16 years agoditto on what Eve said, I think you make the last two lines work. They are iffy lines, success predicated on what comes before. You did it.
WickedEveover 16 years agoFirst, I want to say that I've always enjoyed your poetry and this is no exception. It's lovely! One suggestion, if I may, for the first two lines: "What I thought was snow/turned out to be the fluffy white/from cottonwood or dandelions." Reads a little better this way, at least to me. And it does eliminate one of the poem's "it" words, which there are quite a few.
