Knocking on Heaven's Door

I stand in front of the gate that guards the place I call Heaven. The iron is rusty and weathered but looks as if it could stand tall another 1,000 years. I arrive on time yet is no one here to welcome me. There are no angels, no trumpets, no radiant beings of light. There is no scroll, no scale, no judgement. It's a vast, empty, exciting and treacherous space. Why is it so quiet and dark? I stand alone, gazing up at the twisted metal. It's domineering stature and cold indifference excites me, overwhelms me and terrifies me. What if I never make it inside? What if I'm stuck between the life I gave up to be here and the life waiting for me on the other side? Is this purgatory? I guess it's cruel purpose is to keep souls like mine out. To them we are damaged, uneducated, explosive, naive, impressionable and crude. I always thought that this was a place for outlaws and outcasts; populated by the counter culture and intellectuals, as well as the abused, the deprived and the downtrodden. I guess I just never understood why heaven needs a gate or why I can't open it. All I want is to step inside. No, it's more than a want - it's more than even a physical need. I feel as if my soul lives in a place from which my mind and body have been banished. I am forced to be away from myself and my home and my light and I don't know why. Will I ever be returned? As I mumble to myself I feel a cosmic wind blowing and the ancient metal creaks ever so slightly. It gives me chills, false hope, as my mind wanders through the dark gates without me. I can hear their voices, the laughter; their ecstasy. They dance and play with each other's bodies and souls and I can see their shadows flicker in their own light...so many colors and shapes and sounds. My God are they beautiful. I MUST go inside! I knock loudly, I wait, I ring the bell and I wait some more. Yet nobody comes. There is no charming butler, no key hidden under stone or brush; no secret code. Every now and then I hear a whisper, beckoning me to come inside. It promises flesh and blood and renewal of life... but inevitably it fades away before I can respond.