Laden With Iron

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88 words
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I, a universal soul.
Lost in the maze of pain.
Muddled in a foggy rain, walked I, in self and fell.
Forgotten by the vain.

Where the sun shines,
tweeks the power of life.
A flower, ‘midst my soil, calls.
I cringe, aghast at caustic, cruel laws.
Forgotten by the vain.

Arose Pegasus, soothing my scorched eyes.
Thrashing ‘gainst constricting ties.
He kicked and bit, on toward the sky.
Above the homes and commerce he’d fly.
For freedom was so close.
We knew.

The Mystery Valiant
7-27-2002

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3 Comments
Maria2394Maria2394almost 18 years ago
fragments are common

in poetry, my spell check is always pointing out that I have "fragments" but I click ignore once and move on.

There are places where this can be improved, Valiant, I dont think Reltne is saying you cant write, just that it could be improved so that it is easier to read.

I find much in this poem that is worthwhile. I hope you keep writing. Dont allow what *seems* like negativity to stop you, it is only your perception, most people here offer suggestions to help and i do know Reltne doesnt waste his time on something he considers worthless :)

smile, and keep on writing!!

maria

ReltneReltnealmost 18 years ago
Would improve with an edit

I believe you could greatly strengthen this poem with some editing/rewriting. Perhaps we speak in different cadence, but I find your rhythm faulty (and syllable count seems to confirm). Switching between end and internal rhymes will lessen the allure for many readers. - Plus, if you are only going to capitalize the first word in lines that start a new sentence, then you need to know what constitutes a sentence. - IE: Your first line is not a sentence.

Enjoyable, but could be better.

My Erotic TrailMy Erotic Trailalmost 18 years ago
mention

this poem was mentioned in the thread, "New Poem Reviews"

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