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Click hereI remember my children when they were young.
Yes, it seems like only yesterday.
Within my hand I thought I held their souls, though
their lives appeared so much smaller then.
Did I grow careless? Surely I did not mean
that dreadful hurt they now hate me for.
My heart has became no smaller, that I'm sure.
From where came that coldness, as they grew.
In small choices, unnoticed, our lives were set,
while my eyes were fixed on other things.
I'd not expected judgement and if I'd thought,
I'd have said "of course they'd understand".
There was much laughter and so much sharing too.
And yet, by them, that is now denied.
How is it they cannot see how much I cared.
I wish that my children were still young.
And so was I.
bar 5ed, and a hope that the same thing doesn't happen to myself, that I may learn from the mistakes pointed out in the poem, a very sad 5ed
I started to write a detailed comment yesterday but was called away. Although sad, there was something lyrical and captivating about the poem. Perhaps it's that twinge of anxiety all parents feel. I don't know for sure.
Line 3 is powerful, although I think I would have used "hands," which I think presents an image of infant children whose souls you are "holding." Perhaps you weren't thinking of infants at the time of writing, but the image still works for me because all young children are infants first.
If you were referring to their young years beyond infancy, then I think some narrative is needed to seguay to stanzas 3 & 4, but otherwise catapulting from the image of a proud father holding an infant to that child later detesting him re-enforces "careless," ie, you don't really know how it happened.
There's a syntax problem, I think, in lines 3 & 4 of the second stanza. Line 4 isn't a complete sentence. "Became" should be "become." It can stand, of course, because it's understandable, but I'm a stickler for grammar (I blame that on the nuns in school who wrapped my knuckles with their rulers every time I said "ain't." Just kidding, Clearday.) Easy remedy:
"My heart has become no smaller, I'm sure,
From where came that coldness as they grew.
Stanzas 3 & 4 move the poem towards a resigned conclusion effectively, which means sadly. The concluding lines 3-5 hint that there is still confusion. I liked that because it kept the tension and left the reader with something more to think about.
Nicely done, Clearday. I enjoyed reading it and parsing it.
The thoughts you raised, the wishes.To me the third stanza is the heart and crux of the matter and strikes home the hardest. Perfectly expressed, Clearday.
This could come from any parent. Most parents reading it will nod and understand. And though we've all been the child as well, as parents we forget they're whole complete people, until they stop treating us with adoration and speak their minds. That's when you learn who you are as well as who they are.
This pulled at my heartstrings, I have to believe that with time will come understanding and forgiveness. Wonderfully written and of course 5ed