My Feelings

I love you,
Do you know that?
But I hate you too

You love me?
At least you say you do
Can I believe it?

We talked about our feelings
On one magical day
What changed? Anything?

I remember our conversation clearly
You said “Your morals wouldn’t let you
Come between a man and his wife.”

I agreed, saying “My morals
Wouldn’t let me do it either.”
I thought we were so alike.

And then some months ago,
You changed, and I suspected
I didn’t know but I was worried

And then that fateful day,
You said, “I don’t know how to say this.
I’m having an affair.”

You may as well have just shot me
That is the initial impact it had
Your news devastated me

My mind reeled then, and reels now,
“Where did your morals go?
Is it OK, because it wasn’t me?”

“Why did you need comfort from him?
I have always been there for you,
And you rejected me, for him.”

I now don’t know what to do,
I don’t want to lose you,
But I am so disappointed and afraid.

I know that unless a miracle happens
We will never be together, ever,
But I thought you’d be true, and you failed me.

Anger and hatred and bitterness
Course through my body constantly
Will these feelings ever go?

I try to shut them down and cage them,
But they are so big and powerful, that
I am swept along at their insistence.

The future looks bleak, it’s black.
My wife and I now split, my fault.
But what is left for me?

Where are my feelings going to take me?
I do sometimes want to lay down and die
Where will it end?

I shall not give up, but I might run.
When the house is gone, and work is done,
I may vanish into the mist, forever.

These are the feelings, settling,
Feeding on my inner pain and turmoil,
And my inability to deal with them.

I sit and write this, knowing things
That I’ve been told are true,
But, does that really help?

I don’t like who I’ve become, maybe,
Just maybe, leaving is the best thing,
I might become someone new.

I might even be someone I like,
And if I leave, what happens to you?
Can I go without you?

There is the billion dollar question,
Can I live without you to talk to?
We’ll never know until it happens.

My eyes are dry now, the tears have stopped.
I’ll get on with work and life.
My feelings buried, partly, at last.

But these feelings still battle on
Not surrendering the fight
Until the end - When is that?