not quite alone

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98 words
4.25
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Sitting in a quiet corner,
       alone but not quite so,
picking fights with Shadows,
                Cobwebs,  
       and their little friend--Dust Mite,
I fuss and say 'you have no right!'  
            And all I get is strife.
'Don't clutter up my chaos;' of them I do beg aloud,
and yet Spiders and rings of Mold join in
           and do Bitterness proud.  
they spout it in their every spore--they scream it's name in joy,
           all of them becoming a foe,
                as I, feeling like a toy,
        am in my quiet corner,
                      alone,
   but not quite so...

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  • COMMENTS
2 Comments
jthserrajthserraabout 20 years ago
This one worked

pretty well. The phrasing became a problem at "...of them I do beg aloud," I think if you just said 'I beg' or 'I beg aloud' it would work a bit better. "and do Bitterness proud." seemed a little rough too. Perhaps "doing Bitterness proud." or something like that. Besides those two items an excellent poem. I liked the way you moved the lines across the page. The placement added a lot here. Well done...

jim : )

AnonymousAnonymousabout 20 years ago
Such promise

This poem has the makings of a really nice piece and has some lovely ideas and lines but it reads awkwardly in spots such as "of them I do beg aloud." A revision might be in order but I think it is worthy of 75 and a 4.

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