- Erotic Poetry
- On the Origin of Language
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Beside his cantilevered stone
he watched the morning fog
and heard a threat he knew as Roar!
and saw a Caw! fly by
before he turned to her and saw
smoke drifting from their fire
up to a sky when he looks there
that burns an Agh! and squints his eyes
but goes away each night when tongue
recalls the time he named her Ummm,
the way she moans when they make love,
and when she cries his name, it's Ah!,
the sound he makes before he comes
to stare at gods that twinkle Oh!
- COMMENTS
todski28over 10 years ago(this could all be total bullshit, however it is the bullshit I think I see and hear)
are so damn good, the spacing on them is damn near perfect for the rhymes to support and resonate with each other,
and heard a threat he knew as Roar!
and saw a Caw! fly by
three rhymes roar, saw, caw, but having the exclamation point almost makes it an end of line rhyme with roar, saw is not lost but takes a back seat leaving its resonant mark on the line, having
fly by
before jumping to the next stanza interrupts the sound of that rhyme, as you use saw again in the next stanza but it doesn't feel like an echo as it does in other poems.
to top it off the story in there is really damn good as well, hats off GM, well done.
HarryHillover 10 years agoWas wanting it to go on and on loved the sounds and cadence and the story
Oldbear63over 10 years agoThat is how animals name things, if in fact, they do. Enjoyed very much.
Angelineover 10 years agoYour substitutions are plausible and work well to convey the words they represent. Your edit makes the line work better, too. I think it must have happened pretty much how you've portrayed it! Thank you for this delightful read.
