Once...

 Once the world was beautiful and new, nothing in it bad.
When I was young and naive, before I learned to sad.
Without reason undependable my gods, my mom and my dad.
Less and less reason found I to enjoy life, and be glad.
So it was that I lost faith in all, and learned the path of the damned.
Thus began my fall from heaven. How I lost the summerland.

The first time that I drank more than a bit.....
One single thought remains from that moment.
Quite clear.
"This is what its like to die."
KNOWING at age 11 that the dead felt no discomfort or fear!

Its been a while now since I last drank or got high.
Since last I did try to wash away my life,
and cry, and cry, and cry.
aiiii....
To erase the edges of reality and be one with the sky.

Incomprehensible?
Why?
To live?
Little trust have I in life, and none at all to die.
Why should I conform to your reality?
What is it that your mind perceives?
What do you interprete from what you think you see?
How does your mind define that which it believes?
And how do you back up your assumptions of what you think must be?

I never had a plan.
As you can likely tell, I tried to keep my head buried in the sand.
Never wanted any other part.
Never dared to stop and think.
That which I wished to stop was the pain in my heart.

Over and over this craze.
Wondering why it was that I bothered to continue my days/ze.
Yet, somehow, somewhere deep.
I sometimes felt a hope that something good might yet come my way.
So I refused,
confused,
to give up my place.

Whose to say when the dark again might rise?
Where does the light end? Where do the shadows hide?
I wish that I could see,
what? if anything,
lies beyond honesty.
And if I could, would I be more me?
What is reality?
Will it I ever learn to see?
Consistently?

Shadows leap from the rising thoughts of my mind.
Perceptions bend as the real and the fantasy entwine.
Truth and lies dance over a strangely fuzzy line.
Wonder if ever I shall know my own mind?
Wonder only can I at the promise of such a time.

The world has a beauty to it that I hope you can see is divine.
How so ever such you may define.
A beauty that my mind would with lies,
 itself blind.
Lies, mistrust and fear!
They that open the pit into which I fell.
They too, what chain the gates of Hell.
Where a moment lasts a thousand years.
A black, lightless fire burns there.
By which my soul most painfully has been seared.
And the only demon that I've yet to see,
my only enemy,
is me.