- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Other Side of Midnight
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Click hereBetween dawns awakening,
past the hour of midnight;
the sun places
orange kisses on a rich
dark mound of ripened
intimacy somewhere,
other than this moonless
moment where tears bleed
in solitary labor.
- COMMENTS
twelveoonealmost 19 years agoThere is nothing wrong with the first two lines, besides the fact they are the first two lines, and they are not strong lines. They function ok as lead in lines to what is quite a nice piece of poetry. Lines 4-9 may be some of the finer lines I've read around here. Let's try a simple rearrangement, to bring up the message, that may have been lost.
"orange kisses on a rich dark mound
of ripened intimacy somewhere,
other than this moonless moment
where tears bleed in solitary labor."
Now the contrast between now line 1 and line 2,3 stands out, defines.
Jennifer Calmost 19 years agoFantastic descriptive
writing and wonderfully
worded, a brilliant piece
very well done,
Thanks.
~ J
